November 14, 2012

Hello, dear blog

Shortly after my last post I got bored and decided I needed to get laid. That was the way I framed it in my head, but when I talked about it with the woman I do EMDR with she made me realize that wasn't what I was looking for. She asked me what I was looking for - I said, someone to hang with, hike with, and have sex with. She said, that sounds like a relationship.

Alrighty then.

So, I went on some entertaining dates and got back in the saddle as they say. Then I met this guy. And we had an earth shatteringly amazing summer together.

Now is it November and it is 9 - 10 months after my initial loss where therapists say people often experience the loss anew. I totaled my car. There is a lot going on in my family with my bro. I am unsure what is going to happen with the house. The boy is very, very busy with a major product push and, to me, seems stressed out and depressed. My insecurity asks what if it has to do with me. And the answer is, if it does then we move on with sadness, but also joy because this has been a spectacularly healing time for me. I hope it continues, but I really don't know which way is up in this situation and I am trying to go with that. These constructs society creates for us, about how we should feel and how a relationship should work are all bunk anyway. So why not just be patient and open? I'm not going anywhere. The universe can show me the right way, all I have to do is pay attention and listen, which can be much harder than one would expect at times.

So, in a nutshell, with no background, I am confused, but trying to allow myself to BE confused. One of my biggest faults is the tendency to over analyze and over think things. Walking away recognizing that is huge - now I just need to stop it when I get started and allow myself to be.

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