March 18, 2013

Two things, since I am losing it

First thing:

I spoke to my brother yesterday. It was so upsetting. Where to start. His court date is 3/26. Since his arrest in January he has not been to AA or pursued therapy. He has an ankle monitor on so he can’t drink without being immediately arrested.

Talking to him yesterday morning he said that by the time he gets out he will have been sober 90 days and at this point there has only been one day he wanted to drink. I said yeah, but you won’t have anything preventing you from drinking after you get out of jail. The ankle monitor is a band aid. I said I started drinking again after being sober for 11 months the first time I quit.

He said he assumed he would drink again.
 
I asked why? He said people relapse. I said I have been sober 5 years and after going through the past 2 years I do not think I will ever drink again. I think I already would have if I was going to. He said, “good.”

Then he proceeded to offer me advice about my romantic life. Questioning why I would be willing to consider living with someone at this point after what I had been through. That look at him and his girlfriend – he hasn’t dated anyone in the past almost 5 years since they broke up. I said, yeah, and you have a major drinking problem. There’s a huge difference.

It made me really prickly to have him question my decisions. I guess because one, I am mad at him and two how can he question my decisions when he has been making bad decision after bad decision? So I am mad at him and I need to allow that, and acknowledge that. Oh, and three, I am afraid I could be making the wrong decision. But that is FUCKING life.

I also got frustrated with him when I was talking about John and his drinking problem and he said, I try not to be judgmental about other people’s drinking problems. I said, Good for you! I lived with him – he is an alcoholic who made me feel like I was fucking insane because he is a goddam addict and someone other than him had to be the source of the problem.

I really, really need help looking at how to interact with my bro. I am so mad at him and he makes me so prickly. For some reason the impression I get from him is he feels as though he knows best and also a feeling he is passing judgment. However, he has spent NO time trying to address his own emotional issues. I have spent the last 20 years addressing mine, so I have a chip on my shoulder, as in, where does he get off. Is that valid? I do not know.

Second thing:

There is this guy I tried to do a FWB sort of thing with after my split. He kept saying he wanted us to be friends even if I ended up with a boyfriend, etc. However he would say very mean things and then when I called him out on them he would act like I was crazy. Friday he did it again and instead of responding to his jab with an answer or why would you say that, blah, blah, blah. I threw a jab right back at him. Well. Apparently I hit to close too home. He unfriended me on facebook. And I am SAD about it because I am a needy motherfucker apparently.

This guy was a jerk. He called me a moon bat because of my political leanings. He told me I was too skinny. He questioned my intelligence. Case in point, we were NOT friends. He was pretending to be my friend in case I broke up with S, so he could fuck me. And in the meantime he thought it was fun to fuck with my head. I am fairly certain that is just his M.O. – he is one of those guys. They say they have lots of female friends, but they don’t truly. I think I was recreating aspects of my relationship with John with him. He’s much brighter and more successful than John. But there are similarities.

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