wadekneedeep

Dwelling!

2011-05-19T09:06:00.000-04:00

I was really good about my mindfulness practice through February. March and April have been a complete wash. Last week I did my practice twice.

I feel a distinct increase in my anxiety and I notice I have been dwelling more. Dwelling on things I said or did either recently or a long time ago; dwelling on things that are done and past and NOT in the present.

So, I have really made a commitment to increase my practice. I know it helps both the anxiety and the dwelling behavior.

Today's Affirmation

2011-03-17T10:12:00.001-04:00

from soulseeds:

If blessings didn’t wear disguises, they would be lost in the crowd like white rabbits in snow. Noticing a blessing is half the blessing. What may appear to be a setback takes you by the scruff of the neck, plays with your assumptions and turns surprise into joy. Gratitude has 20/20 vision.

Say to yourself: Gratitude surprises me with joy when I need it most.

Headaches, Joints, and Control Issues

2011-02-26T10:24:00.004-05:00

I heard from my Dr. re my joints. Everything came back 100% normal. I am negative for RA Factor, Lupus, Lyme, any indication of Gout. My x-rays look great - even in my leg that has "hardware," as Dr. A referred to it, has no indications of arthritis. Also, I am not anemic! (I eat a pretty balanced diet and take vitamins - so it never crossed my mind I would be! However, apparently it is common with menstruating women and in particular those that eat a vegetarian diet.)

Dr. A prescribed a NSAID that is stronger than Aleve and recommended that I meet with a rheumatologist. I am torn. Why bother? What are they going to tell me? I think this is in my head. I think my EMDR therapist is right. I think it started as real pain and then my anxiety decided to go on a ride with it. I don't hurt all of the time. When I do hurt - yeah it aches like a brat. I have to think about it some more. Since there is nothing major wrong with me and the pain is tolerable, if annoying, I am not clear I really need to go any further. My fear was RA or Lyme. I am not big on prescription meds or allopathic medicine in general so.....again, I am not sure I see the point in meeting with a specialist.

On the other hand I have been thinking about meeting with the neurologist to discuss my headaches. I have had a pretty severe headache every day this week. It will be interesting to see if it continues or if it is hormonal - I should be getting my period early next week.

I did a little bit of research about my headaches and indeed, the type of headache I have consistently does fall into the migraine category. Who knew! Yet again, am I willing to take medicine for it? probably not since they aren't incapacitating - just very annoying. DH was right - he should tell me when I don't have a headache!

Things are stressful in my relationship with DH right now and as a result I am really focusing on my diet/weight. This winter I have gained roughly 5 pounds (high of 118). This is totally due to the fact that I haven't been able to walk as much as normal and have been eating lots of sweets. So, I decided to track my calories with a free calorie tracker at Every Day Health (and have already lost 3 pounds - down to 115). It makes me much more conscientious about what I eat. I have also gone back to using protein powder since I know I don't get enough and it does really help with the hungry horrors. I have been using Designer Whey and really like the chocolate flavor. I am aware I am focusing on my weight and health because I feel out of control in my relationship with DH. This is not an uncommon method of dealing for me. After Pete died I became vegan. Talk about control issues! :)

That is where things stand now - we'll see where they go.....

Tracking Headaches

2011-02-23T10:47:00.001-05:00

Lately I have had a lot of joint pain. I went to the doctor and we took x-rays, ran an RA Factor test, and tested for Lyme. RA Factor came back negative (yayay!) and the x-rays showed no arthritic changes; still waiting on the Lyme blood work. He asked how I had been feeling lately and I commented that I had crushing headaches the week before, but that wasn’t that unusual. My dh thinks I have a lot of headaches. Since there is no normal I didn’t think much of that. He says I complain about them daily and I do take something for them – it just doesn’t always seem to help.

In talking to the doctor he asked if I would like to make an appointment with a neurologist. He said the headaches I am describing sound like they might belong in the migraine family. He suggested there was medication I could take, etc. Since the headaches are generally not incapacitating I am not interested in taking any medication.

However, the appointment and suggestion that I have headaches with more frequency than some people did make me curious. I have decided to try and track when I have headaches to see if I can figure out if it is linked to hormones or what.

I sent my dh an e-mail this morning asking him to remind me to mark on my calendar that I have a headache today. He said, “Why don’t I remind you when you don’t have a headache?”

======

Oh, and perhaps a bit more important than my headaches? Yesterday was my three year anniversary of being sober! WoW!! Sometimes it feels like so much longer - sometimes so much less.

Acceptance

2010-12-08T09:47:00.001-05:00

At the core of Eastern philosophies is an acceptance of what is. The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism proposes that desire is the root of all suffering. It has also been explained as: the desire for things to be different is the root of all suffering. If we are not suffering, we will be much more open to happiness.

- What Recovering Alcoholics Can Teach Us About Happiness - William Berry

Mindfulness Class #4

2010-10-22T08:45:00.004-04:00

Great class last night. People really "brought it" - there was a lot of intense discussion. We discussed body cues and our pleasant and unpleasant events log. I think as a result of the work I have done with L I am very aware of my body when I feel things emotionally.

I never bothered to note what I was physically feeling when I was upset or happy. As I recently discovered I typically just ride anxiety and anger until they buck me off and I slowly peel myself off the ground. Due to the log I noticed my chest gets tight when I am angry, stressed, frustrated - experiencing something unpleasant. For me a pleasant event has the opposite feeling - an openness in my chest and looseness in my joints. I have discovered that by noticing the physical sensations it is somewhat easier to stop myself from getting on that path. It is new, but I think it will get easier to stop myself on a more regular basis.

We ended class with a poem that really, really spoke to me:

Life in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

CHAPTER 1

I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
And I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER 3

I walk down the same street and there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, and still I fall in.
It's a habit.
But my eyes are open and I know where I am.
It is my fault and I get out immediately.

CHAPTER 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER 5

I walk down a different street.

Homework

2010-10-18T11:13:00.002-04:00

I have been very good about doing my homework. Yay me!! Friday I did the body scan and Saturday I did the mindful stretching. Sunday got away from me with my mum coming down to help pack for my move.

I have regular therapy tonight and couples therapy, but plan on doing the mindful stretching in between. I find the mindful stretching goes by much quicker than the body scan even though it is longer (only by 4 minutes though!).

My breathing/sitting meditation is going okay. I am sorely tempted to buy a zafu, which is a cushion designed for sitting meditation. We use them in class. At home I used a pillow from my couch and it was just not as comfortable. Given I am meditating - at this point - for up to 15 minutes, and ultimately I will be meditating for longer - it is tempting. I could use some of my birthday money, but I think I will hold off for now and make do. If I stick with this I will make the purchase or ask for it for Christmas.

The weekend was stressful with packing, but not terrible.

Minfulness Class 3

2010-10-15T08:39:00.001-04:00

I had class last night.

We started with sitting meditation. We did a 5 minute breathing/sitting meditation. Then we discussed what we went over last week followed by our first Gentle Stretching/Yoga routine.

It was nice. This week we are supposed to alternate between the body scan and the Gentle Stretching/Yoga Routine – 6 nights. Also 6 nights of sitting meditation and an unpleasant events log. I have my first unpleasant event already! It is funny I am much more cognizant of how my body feels when I am experiencing something unpleasant versus pleasant. It is something to think about.

We ended the Gentle Stretching with an abbreviated body scan. I was a bit nervous because last week I was stiff after doing the body scan. I think because it is on a concrete floor with a thin yoga mat. I think because we did the Gentle Stretching this week I was more relaxed; I wasn’t stiff at all after the body scan.

We then paired up and discussed how the Gentle Stretching and body scan went for us plus how it went over the week. Last night my mind was racing much more than it has been as of late. I truly believe it is hormones. I can’t believe how I resisted doing my homework this week. I wonder what effect it would have had on me if I had actually done it. I think I would have been in a much better frame of mind.

I stayed after class to ask if I can use a timer when I am doing the sitting/breathing meditation. I worry about not doing it long enough and so I don’t really focus on it. D said yes and I could eventually by automatic chimes or Dr. Kabat-Zinn has a cd with 5 – 10 – 15 minutes of silence interspersed with chimes.

I am glossing over things, it is hard to capture everything – especially when you can’t take notes.

Oh, another piece of our homework was to think of something we wanted to work on being mindful about and then pair up and share it. I said driving, which sounds really stupid. However I spend a minimum of 1 and a half in the car daily and I feel like a lot of it is with me checked out (accident last month?). My partner said he wanted to be more mindful when having conversations with his wife. He said he finds it very easy to only half-listen because you know the pattern of conversation, etc. Recently twice DH has told me something that I didn’t “hear.” So being more mindful when talking with my husband is a good one for me too!

Why Do I Care?

2010-10-15T08:13:00.003-04:00

This morning DH asked me for help with his phone. Apparently he dropped it last night walking home from the local bar.

The back had popped off and DH couldn’t get it on. I couldn’t get it on either and then I realized he had bent a small piece trying to get it on last night. I un-bent the piece and it still wouldn’t go on.

I got kind of angry. This phone was just purchased in early-to-mid September.

Then I stopped myself.

Why am I mad? Why do I care?

Am I mad because we might have to buy a new phone/pay to get it fixed?

Or am I mad because I know he had been drinking and was also high? And am I blaming the intoxication for the phone?

I don’t know. It is the first time I have stopped myself and asked why do I care? The money part I get because we are in the midst of a move and have closing costs. I had to buy two new tires because the mechanic said they wouldn’t pass inspection and it is dangerous to be driving on wet roads. That is an expense it would be nice not to have at the moment.

However, accidents happen. I just had a car accident and that wasn’t cheap ($500 deductible versus what could be $100 new phone – maybe more if we have to wait for a rebate).

Being honest I have a problem with the way he views his alcohol and dope intake – even though he limits it to the occasional Thursday night and weekends. So is it a chain? Would I care if he had done it when I know he was sober?

Whatever anger I felt is gone. It was actually quite fleeting, although I felt it in my chest while it was here. I almost immediately began questioning why I care/why I am angry.

I think this is pretty huge. It is a step forward for me. I tend to ride anger and anxiety like a horse. I don’t try to stop it. It is a very well worn path in my brain and I fall onto it easily.

I am sure this new perspective is a reflection of the work I am doing in the mindfulness class.

That's it!

2010-10-14T10:44:00.002-04:00

I have been saying I am going to try acupuncture for my bursitis for a while. I haven't done it yet because I have been so overwhelmed with the move.

My PMS is very nearly intolerable when coupled with the stress of the move. After googling acupuncture and PMS I have decided to make an appointment soon!! I assumed it would help, but now I really want to try and see if it will:

Do You Suffer From PMS?

Anecdotal story re PMS and acupuncture

Class 2 - more than a little late!

2010-10-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

I did not blog after class 2 and perhaps that was a sign of the week to come. I did my home work sparingly. Only 50% success rate this week whereas I had a 70% success rate during week 1.

I was very resistant to doing the body scan this week – I think because I was feeling down and did not want to be with that emotion?

Homework was the body scan 6 times, breathing meditation in variations of 5 minutes, 10 minutes and 15 minutes, and a pleasant events log.

I totally forgot about the pleasant events log. DRAT!! I completed it this morning. Fortunately I could recall some pleasant events to fill in.

This week I am experiencing PMS. Monday I was down. Tuesday I was really down in the am. Wednesday I felt a heaviness settling on me. Fortunately, I had my EMDR appointment Wednesday. We worked on getting rid of the heaviness. L thinks that when I start to feel down the feeling is almost comforting because I know it so well and sometimes I slide into it. She suggested stretching to open my chest and I felt somewhat better almost immediately.

For the first time ever my body resisted EMDR. I had a very hard time keeping my eyes open which has NEVER-EVER happened to me before. L says it happens to some of her other clients.

We tried to figure out when I had first felt the heaviness. I think it was in 4th grade when my dad was sick for the first time. I said, I know we (the kids/my siblings) had been told some version of what was going on, but I didn’t really know what was going on. L said think about what you just said – it is exactly what is going on with the house. Ah-ha.

We are hoping to close on the 22nd. We will see if that happens. I hope so. I want that drama to be over.

I have my 3rd mindfulness class tonight and I am committed to blogging about it sooner and doing a better job on my homework!!

No Sleeping

2010-10-06T09:17:00.002-04:00

I did my body scan meditation again yesterday. I did not fall asleep. It was interesting because DH and I had a disagreement before I did it, so it was very difficult for me to focus initially. By the time I was done with the meditation, I was no longer upset about what I had been upset about before beginning the meditation.

Unfortunately I had a terrible night's sleep. I am not sure why. I will say I currently have a crushing headache and I already took allergy medicine, so I am not sure what is going on. Hopefully I will get a restful evening of sleep tonight!

Exhaustion!

2010-10-05T09:03:00.002-04:00

I finally got my head around the fact that we will not close by the 8th and what happens? The lender starts acting like we will close by the 8th. Apparently I do not deal well with changes of plan during stressful times - if ever.

Yesterday I had an M appointment. As she tried to help me be rational about the closing I resisted and resisted becoming more and more upset. It was bizarre. Lots of tears.

I went home and did my homework, which I was considering blowing off because I had both a regular therapy appointment and a couples therapy appointment. I did not blow it off and I did not fall asleep!

Then the couples therapy appointment. Lots and lots of tears. Oy. My eyes are swollen today and I am exhausted.

Our landlord is showing the apartment either Wednesday or Thursday. So tonight I will make a nice dinner (Broiled Lemon Mustard Perch with assorted vegetables) and clean.

My weight is back to what it was, but I feel like it was a wake-up call. I was sliding into eating lots of sweets - which I feel is another form of self-medicating. I think the mindful eating will help me make better food choices.

It is only Tuesday morning and I feel like this has been a heck of a long week!

Weight

2010-10-04T10:16:00.003-04:00

I have slip-slided into eating a lot of sugar again. Yuck. I have gained 2 pounds. I am NOT happy about this.

I have decided to try and be more conscientious about what I am eating. I am going to try and eat less sweets. Processed sweets are definitely what is killing me. That and eating to quell an upset stomach - which I do.

I ate meat at will for the past month or two? It was okay. I found it much too easy to eat senselessly - not caring where the meat came from. As a result I have decided to cut it out of my diet again. It just doesn't work for me.

Body Scan Meditation 1 & 2

2010-10-04T10:12:00.004-04:00

I did not do my body scan meditation on Friday. I opted for Friday to be my day off, which turns out to have been poor planning since I have regular therapy AND couples therapy tonight.

I did do it both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday I feel asleep around my shoulders. Sunday I don't know what happened. I either fell asleep or just disassociated. I did not feel as though I fell asleep, I came to awareness very alert and not groggy feeling.

Regardless of what happens (i.e. falling asleep) we are not supposed to beat ourselves up about it. We are supposed to note what happened.

I do wonder if it means I need more sleep in general.

First Class

2010-10-01T09:04:00.001-04:00

Last night was my first class at the Center for Mindfulness. Eeek! It is a pretty big class (34 people I discovered) and as we were waiting for class to begin almost everyone was dead quiet. Awkward!

The first thing we did was get paired up by the teacher. Two men ended up sitting on either side of me. I found that odd because the ratio is probably 2 women for every man. How did I end up with a man on either side of me? Of course I ended up paired with the more attractive man which made me somewhat uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable, just….weird. Initial interactions with men I don’t think I know how to act. I am always afraid they will hit on me and that makes me defensive or something. I will have to come back to this thought/issue because there is something there. I think it is because I miss signals or historically miss signals. I just think someone is being nice and really they are angling to get in my pants.

The instructor, D, told each pair to pick a letter, either “A” or “B.” My partner, M and I were hemming and hawing so I said I would be “A.” Then she said we were to turn to our partner and ask them What they were thinking. That is not the exact question, but for the life of me I cannot think of the exact phrasing. So we are sitting quite close to begin with and then you turn and your face is easily less than a foot away from the other individual. Talk about forced intimacy.

I give M credit…or maybe I don’t. Maybe it is a typical thing for a guy to say. He is staring into my eyes and says well of course one of the things I am wondering about is you. It did not sound or feel like any sort of line. I mean your face is less than a foot away and you haven’t interacted with anyone in the class yet, you’re staring into this individuals face. So it felt real, and the reason I think it is brave is because an individual could chose to misinterpret it. Then he talked about the level of tension in the room. The excitement of beginning a new journey. His terrible ride from the Berkshires (and I kvetch about an hour ride each way!).

When it was my turn I mentioned how I could feel the humidity in the air on my skin and that I felt like the tension in the room was palpable. Also that I could hear through the chatter various words being repeated or singing out to me, like tension and curiosity.

Then we went around the room and said one word that would sum up what we were feeling in the room. The responses varied but followed a general theme: tension, anxiety, apprehension, excitement, etc.

We also went around the room and gave our names, where we were from, and why we were there and what we wanted from the class. Again there was a trend: anxiety, stress, poor coping skills, and chronic pain. I found it interesting that almost everyone who was dealing with chronic pain was male. I think that is the opposite of what I would expect.

When it was my turn I explained how for the past year I have been experiencing much more anxiety and I wanted to change my energy. I recently attended a yoga class with my dog. As the class progressed and I became more relaxed, his energy changed – a true reflection of how my energy was affecting him. I said I am sure my energy is affecting more than just my dog. Obviously it is if a friend recommended the class! There is more to it than that, but I was trying to capture what I want without sharing too much. Yes I have anxiety, but do I want to tell you the extent? Not really. I want to future-worry less, be more present and have a calmer center. I think that would be wonderful for me and excellent for those around me.

The funny thing is that I received an e-mail yesterday from an animal communicator I have used. It was really odd but thought provoking. One of the things she raised is that people get stuck in this care giving mode and feel as though they must help others first and foremost. However, wouldn’t you be better equipped to help others if you took care of yourself first?

The next thing we did was something called the Raisin Meditation. I had actually read about this previously. You are handed a small handful of raisins. I received 3. You look closely at the raisin. What does it look like? We discuss. What does it feel like in your hand? We discuss. What does it smell like? We discuss. What does it sound like? Seriously! We discuss. The put it in your mouth and let it sit on your tongue. Roll it around without biting it. What does it feel like? What does it taste like? We discuss. The take one bite – essentially splitting it. Let it sit in your mouth. How does that change what it tastes like and feels like? We discuss. The slowly chew it into nothingness. What is the texture, flavor, etc?

Afterward the instructor asked if we were thinking about anything else when we were examining the raisin. I wasn’t. I was purely focused on the raisin. Most other people were as well. D said, Congratulations you have just completed your first meditation. She said a common misconception people have is that you should be relaxed to meditate. She said in truth relaxation might be a side effect of meditating but really meditating is just about being 100% present in the moment. The raisin helped us experience that fully.

One piece of our homework is to eat a mindful meal. At work if I do not eat with my co-workers I read while I eat. At home DH and I usually have the TV on and I am often reading as well. It will be a nice challenge to eat a mindful meal.

We finished the class with a body scan meditation. I think it was about 40 minutes. We laid down on yoga mats and focused on our body piece by piece starting with your big left toe. I caught my mind wandering quite a bit, but as the meditation progressed it wandered less.

Our homework for the week is as follows:

1 mindful meal

Body Scan meditation 5 times (we were given a CD with it on it and instructed NOT to listen to it while we were driving!)

The 9 dot exercise: A puzzle to connect the dots by drawing four straight, continuous lines that pass through each of the nine dots, and never lift the pencil from the paper.

Read an essay called Upriver/Downriver, I think.

Sorry about the long post. I am excited about the class.

Energy Work

2010-09-30T08:56:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I had an EMDR appointment. I had taken my new remedy Tuesday evening. Later in the evening I felt very anxious and somewhat depressed about the house situation (closing has been pushed out as we wait on the septic).

Wednesday I felt ill all morning and became very depressed and lethargic as the day went on. I saw L in the evening and she commented on how low my energy was. As a result she did not want to do EMDR and we did energy work instead. This is the first time we have done this.

I lay on the table and, although my eyes were closed, I knew where her hands were. It felt like particles of energy from me were being drawn to a magnet held above specific body parts. At other moments I felt as though specific parts of my body, where she had laid her hands, were experiencing vertigo. That’s the only way I know to explain it – there was a sense of vibration and vertigo, but only in specific body parts.

L commented that I was holding a lot of “junk” in my 2nd chakra – which is where I feel ill. It hurt more while she was doing the energy work, but afterward it felt better.

Afterward I felt like you do when you are coming down off a hallucinogenic drug. I felt a bit racy, not grounded, and very hyper aware. It was odd.

Today I do feel somewhat better mentally. I did not sleep well last night due to DH’s snoring, so I am exhausted. I have a sharp pain in my right shoulder/neck and my stomach is off. Given I have a big night ahead of me I hope I feel better soon.

Blog Layout

2010-09-30T08:55:00.001-04:00

I changed the blog layout. I wanted something "lighter." However I cannot, at the moment, figure out how to change the color of the text. I feel like it is too light and hard to read.

oh, hi there....

2010-09-30T08:47:00.005-04:00

I have not posted in a while. Things have been okay – not great. I will admit I tend to post less when things are going okay and I am feeling less introspective. I think I will be posting more because I will be taking a new class – more on that later.

The new remedy seemed to working fine-ish, but I saw Dr. W on Tuesday and he wanted to try something different. I had an EXTREMELY bad week a couple of weeks ago. DH commented that the last time he saw me so upset was when my brother died. I was crying at the drop of a hat at every little thing. Many stressful things coincided with PMS. Yuck!!

Dr W thinks/thought the remedy should be helping my PMS more so onto a new remedy. He wasn’t sure if he was going to tweak the current remedy or change completely. He opted to change completely. I am now on Cyclamen 30c. We have a back up remedy if this doesn’t work out.

The big news is I have opted to take a stress reduction class to help with my newfound anxiety (well, going on a year now). It is called the Stress Reduction Program and is offered by the Center for Mindfulness at UMASS Medical School. I went to the orientation 2 weeks ago. The orientation was a bit of a bore, but I am looking forward to the class. I think it will be very helpful. It is an 8 week program with one full day class. For the rest of your life, as long as the program is in existence (and it has currently been in existence for 31 years), you can attend the one day class during each session for a tune-up.

It requires a pretty big commitment – it is about 45 minutes away from where I live and you are asked/required to do an hour of work 6 days a week. This week, the first week is a 3 hour class. I barely got any sleep because DH was snoring last night so I think I will need some caffeine in the evening, which is unusual for me.

I expect I will be posting more frequently as I try to keep track of what I am learning and doing in the class.

New Remedy

2010-07-29T10:18:00.003-04:00

I saw Dr. W yesterday.

We agreed to continue to search for the right remedy. Yesterday I mentioned that when I am very depressed I feel as thought I have a piece of lead in my chest. He reacted like a dog that picked up a very interesting scent.

Then he was asking me questions trying to narrow down the remedy choices and he asked "Do you have issues about not thinking you are smart?" or something to that effect. Wry grin in the office while internally......

HAHAHAHA!

Do *I* have issues not thinking I am smart? Um, yes....it is a major theme/issue in my life that I am trying VERY hard to break apart in EMDR.

Between the two items I am really hopeful that we might be closer to the right remedy.

He recommended Plumbum Phos. which just happens to be lead. He was quick to point out my description of the emotional weight of depression physically resting in my heart and chest was not the only reason why.

In the meantime I am on 7.5 mg of Lexapro (below the clinical dosage) to get me out of the hole I have been in. That is on upside of being very sensitive to drugs.

Sinking not Swimming

2010-07-29T10:14:00.001-04:00

I wrote this post Monday....and didn't post it until today. Hmmm...that gives you a hint about how things are/were going.

Wow….I have not been so depressed in a VERY long time. Friday night I was a sobbing wreck. Saturday morning it continued. I paged Dr. W around 11am. He wanted to know if I was suicidal. No, not suicidal just overwhelmingly depressed.

I realize now a large part of why I drank and screwed around (before) was to feel anything but the despair. After drinking myself into oblivion or screwing around I then had plenty to ACTUALLY feel bad about versus the overwhelming depression about nothing specific. And then I would drink more to change how I feel and it would become a brutal circle.

To feel this non-specific void of positive emotions, where your face, heart, and body feel like lead, and there is barely energy to breath let alone do things….ugh. It is intolerable.

Friday night was the closest I have come to drinking since I quit. I was REALLY, REALLY close.

Sunday morning I woke up with my period. Interesting. Could this most recent severe depression just be hormonal?

I am seeing Dr. W on Wednesday. I am not sure what we will do. I do know I have lots of data for him!

The Big D Strikes

2010-07-16T09:05:00.004-04:00

Depressed. Again. Even though is is quite some time since I felt so poorly it feels like a second skin. So natural and yet unnatural to feel so awful.

I have that lovely lead in my chest feeling. Everything is overwhelming and requires much too much energy. I hate everyone and feel horrifically grumpy.

Ugh.

The previous remedy wasn’t working wonderfully, but this remedy isn’t working at all.

I e-mailed Dr. W yesterday to see if I could try the old remedy since my appointment is not until the 28th. I took it yesterday and I am still so depressed. I called him this morning and left a message to see if I should increase the Lexapro from 2.5 mg to something that might stave this off. I hate feeling like this: Low-energy, hopeless, and negative.

Fledgling Robin

2010-07-08T10:11:00.003-04:00

This morning the boys and I saw a baby robin on our walk. He was so cute and angry looking.

Unfortunately we accidentally herded him onto the street. I decided he could not be left there due to the high likelihood he would be smooshed by a car. So, we herded him to the other side of the street whereupon I had an anxiety attack. Was it an issue that I had herded him to the other side of the street?? Was he going to die and it would be all my fault? Argh.

Rational Julie took over (thankfully). He is a fledgling, ready to leave the nest. There are no elevators or lifts in the wild. Once a bird fledges and leaves the nest they do not return to the nest. They survive or do not survive eating bugs until they can successfully fly for greater distances. In fact I might have done him a favor as the yard we herded him to backs up to a creek and some woods. Less people, more ground cover, and lots of bugs.

This story is to illustrate how irrational my anxiety is lately. I was taking responsibility for a robin’s life. What is wrong with me? DH says I am like the old him. Anxiety SUCKS.

Meat

2010-07-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

For the past month+ I have been thinking about going back to eating meat. Last week I felt very heavy-hearted and I started to wonder if there could be a link between my feeling like I had a piece of lead in my chest and being a vegetarian. I have no idea, but I have decided that my thinking about eating meat is a sign my body probably needs it. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it, eat meat that is. I have been vegetarian, vegan, vegetarian and am currently pescatarian since some point in high school save for one year about 10 years ago. That’s roughly 18 years with no meat.

The BP oil spill certainly pushed this niggling urge along….the Gulf is a major source of fish. With the spill, eating fish has become less sustainable than it was…..not to mention the mercury or pcbs you’re ingesting if fish is one of your sole sources of protein (depending upon wild versus farmed). However, I mentally rail against the idea of how unethically animals are raised and treated, not to mention the antibiotics and other drugs they’re forced to ingest.

One option would be to join a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) group and get meat from local farmers or to find a local farm and purchase meat there. I suppose with Wild Harvest or Whole Foods you at least know meat has no antibiotics in it. You don’t know how the meat, when it was still a living, sentient cow, chicken, or pig, was treated though. I am guessing still not what I would consider good or adequate treatment.

But, I really feel like I am not getting enough protein and I certainly do not get enough variety in protein sources. VERY frustrating.

Last night I had EMDR and we discussed this (among multiple other hot topics: money, anxiety, house hunting). L posited that given what an animal LOVER (L’s emphasis not mine) I am it’s likely guilt that is stopping me from eating meat again. We tried to break that down. When I left I decided I would purchase some Wild Harvest chicken sausages and spinach. I was craving spinach terribly and a protein that wasn’t fish and wasn’t a soy product.

I sautéed the spinach and chicken sausage with some garlic for dinner. I was not terribly comfortable eating it. I didn’t think it tasted terribly wonderful, it wasn’t as though I was returning to the folds of a spiritual house I once fully believed in. It didn’t taste bad. I guess the whole experience was a bit anti-climatic. As I was falling to sleep I had a stomach ache and couldn’t really stop thinking that I had just eaten dead flesh.

I woke up this morning very unsure about what I will decide to do and still thinking that I ate dead flesh. I think one of the reasons I gave up meat so easily was I never particularly cared for it. None-the-less I am thinking I should experiment a bit longer to see if it improves how I feel – either mentally or physically. I did feel much more sated last night after dinner than I typically would. I didn’t feel the urge to immediately have a sweet. I guess we will see….

Raspberry Evening Spritzer

2010-06-25T08:10:00.002-04:00

For those of us that don't drink or have friends that don't, this sounds like an elegant non-alcoholic drink for a gathering:

Raspberry Evening Spritzer

Description
This simple blend of fruit, natural sweeteners, tea, and seltzer water is an ideal afternoon or evening drink for a casual gathering with friends or an afternoon surprise during the work week.

Ingredients
1 cup purified water
6 ounces raspberries
1 teaspoon herbal or black tea leaves
1 cup honey
1 small orange, washed and cut into 8 thin slices
8 cups chilled seltzer water

Instructions
Bring the water to a boil in a saucepan and drop in the raspberries. Lower heat and simmer for three minutes.

Remove from heat and sprinkle the tea into the pan. Cover and let steep for two minutes.

Strain the warm liquid through a fine mesh strainer into a small saucepan, using the back of a large spoon to break up the pulp of the berries and push the liquid through. Add the honey. Stir for about two minutes, then chill in the refrigerator.

Place one orange slice at the bottom of eight tall glasses. Pour one tablespoon of the chilled raspberry syrup and one cup of cold seltzer water into each glass. Stir, add ice, and serve immediately. If you wish, stick a couple of colorful straws in each glass for added color and fun.

Cardinals (the birds)

2010-06-22T11:03:00.005-04:00

I love Cardinals. I think they are one of my favorite birds.

At some undetermined point in my life they became a talisman of sorts. When I see them they remind me of my deceased brother and father. I see them as a marker that I have made the right decision, or a marker that things will improve.

They represent hope to me.

When I am having a terrible day and see a flash of red I feel like it is a reminder from the earth that things will get better.

Home Inspection = Bust

2010-06-19T15:39:00.004-04:00

We had the home inspection today. Easily the best $350 I have ever spent. We haven't had a chance to talk to our realtor yet, but given the amount of issues the home inspection raised it is unlikely we will be buying the house. A conservative estimate to repair would be $25K, but it is likely higher.

The roof will need to be replaced ASAP. $20k

Re pointing the chimney. $?

Oil tank was unable to be inspected because it is enclosed in a wooden structure outside that is rotting.

The boiler is the original, so 55 yo, and could go any day as that is about the life expectancy for them. $5K - 8.5K

Rot on one outside wall and cracks on that rooms' windows inside. Evidence of insects on the wall. Home inspector said you would have to pay a fixed fee just to get the guys out there to start working because you have no idea how extensive the damage is. They could give you a ballpark but it might be way more. $$$

Living room floor is buckling in multiple locations and shows evidence of insects. We thought it would likely need to be replaced (the rest of the flooring in the house is much newer) because it was buckling/bubbling in one spot but today we found multiple locations and evidence of recent insect activity. $$

Multiple ungrounded outlets. Wiring that is "temporary" and should have been made permanent long ago. Examples: garage door opener and light is on an extension cord run from the attic, as is the front door light. $

Attic lacks proper ventilation and more "temporary" wiring/lighting.

What else....the sun room was not built over concrete but pressure treated framing that then has a vapor sheet down, regular wood, and more vapor sheet. Not ideal but the home inspector seemed to think it was less of an issue that the other issues that came up.

Tons of vegetation would need to be removed. Home inspector said with a slab you want to have vegetation growing no closer than a foot to the foundation. I think that would probably be wise for all houses as he said it traps moisture and gives the rain/snow no place to go.

It was a very educational experience. I will definitely use this company again when we find another house we like.

Dreaming

2010-06-18T09:12:00.005-04:00

I dreamt we ran into two of DH's father's cousins, Nancy and Arlene, in the morning and they gave us a fish someone had caught. The fish was not wrapped in anything – just a big dead fish. Touching the fish caused this bizarre infection on my arm. It almost looked like a flesh eating disease (but it didn’t hurt).

Then I went out to lunch with my boss after an audit at a place that was also a hair salon? I showed him my arm and he knew what was wrong with it and said antibiotics would clear it right up – I should go to the doctor. I had a Tibetan terrier puppy that I rescued that day in a small carrying case.

I asked the front desk of the restaurant/hair salon if I could download some photos from our audit on their computer and there were still some photos on the camera (it was my personal camera) that were not appropriate! They ended up saved to the person's computer and she was embarrassed by the photos content (they were sexy!). Then I couldn’t figure out how to delete them and someone else came over to see what was going on, also getting to see the pics.

I also misplaced the puppy at some point! Fortunately I did find her over near one of the stylist's chairs.

House, Sleeping, Venting

2010-06-18T08:59:00.001-04:00

After looking at the house again and discovering that in addition to the garage there is an attic which I can stand-up completely in I was able to leave my reservations. We decided to make an offer. After our initial offer there were some counter-offers and we agreed on a price. Saturday we have the home inspection. Nerve-wracking is all I can say.

In the best of times I am a light sleeper. When I was drinking I barely slept. Alcohol had a huge impact on my sleeping. Truth be told it played a major part in my decision to give alcohol up.

I rarely sleep through the night without waking. Twice in the last month I have and it was shocking.

I also have an extremely sensitive nose.

Last night DH came home from watching the Celtics lose and hanging out with a friend. I wrote him a note asking him NOT to go up in our attic (where he goes to get high). Our landlord decided to have the roof repaired after a year-plus of us telling her water was coming through the ceiling and there is debris EVERYWHERE (she did NOT tell me in advance so no tarps were put down to cover any of our stuff :( ). ANYWAY, between the noise of his arrival, decision to tell me the Celtics lost, how much it sucked, etc and his POOR decision to go up in the attic and ensuing odor. I was wide awake at 1am. Jeez, thanks honey. Not like I have been exhausted lately anyway.

I was so mad that I woke up still mad about it.

What made me really angry is that while he was not too messed up to drive he was not stone-cold-sober. He did not need to go up and get high. His reason, he said he was frustrated by the Celtics loss. O-k-a-y. Add to that the fact I had specifically asked him NOT to go into the attic because of the debris, the smell, and the fact that it was the middle of the night? Angry wife – that’s all I can say.

On a positive note my anxiety is slightly less so I think the new remedy might be helping!

House Stress

2010-06-13T10:15:00.002-04:00

Yesterday we went to look at 9 houses. One of which I had already looked at and liked a bit, but wasn't crazy about the yard. The last house of the day was a ranch in Canton. DH went gaga over it and told the realtor he would like to make an offer then and there without discussing it with me privately. We talked about it when we got home, I was understandably upset. I have reservations about the house. I cannot tell if my reservations are a result of his over-the-top response or because I truly have reservations. Or because the whole thing is happening so quickly and it scares the crap out of me.

Just because we are looking at houses does not mean the one we want to buy is there.

This house has a lot going for it, but I worry about the lack of storage space, the itty-bitty closet that is used for the washer/dryer and the seeming lack of pantry space. It has a super backyard that is mostly fenced and would be great for the dogs. It would be a great entertaining home - the layout is open and airy. It has a super huge sun room that you could easily take five feet of and make a "real" laundry room. It was originally a 3-bedroom and they made two of the bedrooms into a giant master bedroom with plenty of space for dog beds and crates.

It is a slab ranch, so no basement. It does have a garage which could be used for storage.

I e-mailed the realtor this morning and asked if we could look at it again. I asked my mum if she could come down and John's parents if they could come look at it.

I can't tell where my reservations are coming from and it is really frustrating me. I could barely sleep last night because I was stressing about how much DH liked it and how unsure I am. Then I woke up to a very sick Bug. A HUGE amount of diarrhea to clean up off of beige carpets. Yuck. One good thing about this ranch - no wall-to-wall carpeting. Much easier to clean up after a sick dog.

Feet

2010-06-11T14:51:00.002-04:00

In February I visited a podiatrist because I was having a lot of pain in the outside joint of my right foot. It had been going on for 2 – 3 months at the time. He diagnosed it as bursitis and gave me a cortisone shot. I went back two weeks later because my foot was now hurting in a new way. Turns out he hit bone with the needle and gave me a bone bruise. Nice so now in addition to the bursitis I have a bone bruise.

3 months later and my foot is killing me and starting to hurt in different ways too – along the heel and soles. The heel pain scares me and makes me worried it could be plantar fasciitis. A friend gave me the name of a podiatrist in Brookline who was the Patriots podiatrist physician for 15 years, as well as working for Boston Ballet, Saucony, and Nike. Yay! He knows athletes (not that I am an athlete but I am walking a lot and doing agility, etc) and biomechanics. I saw him on Wednesday.

Dr. S was so thorough! They have something called eco feet which is essentially a large scanner that can hold a lot of weight. They have you step onto it through this black cloth that they zip around your ankles and they scan the soles of your feet so they have a digital image!

He did a gazillion range of motion exercises/movements and examined my feet very thoroughly palpitating for pain/sensitivity. He measured my hip height and had me walk back and forth multiple times at varying speeds.

Ultimately he said my feet are in pretty good shape, but that my right hip is higher than my left hip and I am landing on the inside of my right heel which causes me to spin on the ball of my foot putting pressure on the outside of my foot – causing the bursitis (he did agree with that diagnosis – just not how the previous doctor treated it).

He suggested orthotics with heel lifts in the left foot so that my hips are even. They made the orthotics while I waited. They had me walk in my new sneakers (Brooks 7.5 EE! In part to fit the orthotic. I usually wear an 8.5 that was apparently not wide enough for my foot) for about 5 minutes. Then the dr. came and watched me walk in the shoes and measured my hips again.

Until the inflammation goes down they want me to wear my new sneakers most of the time. My feet feel MUCH better. Usually they hurt while I am walking the dogs. Not this morning!

I wondered if the hip height could be the reason I have so much trouble holding my pelvis.

Jeez!

2010-06-11T14:31:00.003-04:00

It truly is a while since I have blogged here. Since I have been in such an odd anxious place I feel more like reading the sort of blog that talks about the same things versus all my dog blogs. Well, of the blogs I used to follow all but two are defunct!

Wow. How lonely!

We are going to look at 9 houses tomorrow. We did not get the house we made an offer on. A part of me was glad because I find the whole thing stressful, although a part of it is exciting, too.

15 Minutes

2010-06-07T08:56:00.001-04:00

I had a crazy busy weekend. DH was in Maine all weekend so it was just me and the animals. Saturday Bug showed at 9 am. He was Reserve Winners Dog which equals nothing. I came home and took a 40 minute nap, walked the dogs, and met the realtor. We looked at 10 houses. 2 of which I really liked. Came home, walked the dogs, ate, and went to bed.

Sunday Bug showed at 10 am. He was dumped aka did NOTHING. DH got home early enough that were able to go to the open house of one of the houses we liked. Called the realtor and were able to get in to look at the other house we like. House #1 is the nicest house on the street and does not have a great yard for dogs so we decided we are not interested. Now house #2 has a stunner of a yard and we are going to make an offer. Unfortunately they have already received an offer and that means we are in a competitive situation. Ugh. What will be will be. I hope we get it – it is perfect, but if not we will keep looking.

Last night I did some yoga courtesy of the Sports & Fitness selection on On Demand. Only about 15 minutes, but it felt good. I think I am going to try and do it on a regular basis. Given my weekend I am pleasantly surprised that I feel pretty good today. Hm mm....I wonder if it is the remedy or the yoga?! ;-)

Work Stress!!

2010-06-03T11:43:00.001-04:00

Okay. ARGH. This payroll (6/1) has been jinxed. Friday it (the software) said I was late due to the holiday and it would be direct deposited (DD) on Wednesday versus Tuesday – so I had to tell everyone that.

Yesterday I discovered I overpaid one employee (by 80 hours!).

Today I discovered that somehow it was not direct deposited at all!! 3 of us needed our checks immediately. 3 of the guys opted to just do DD which will happen next Monday.

I have never had this kind of problem with payroll before. It is a nightmare. To top it off I don’t feel like I was overly distracted or upset on Friday – this is just a series of unfortunate payroll events.

In addition, I definitely do not think the 1M remedy worked. I think I experienced a placebo effect. All last week I was very afraid I was not getting my period because of how much better I felt mentally.

Tuesday I felt a hard spike of fear about the dog show this weekend. Yesterday my anxiety continued to creep back up. I e-mailed Dr. W and he suggested taking the alternate remedy.

I took the new remedy last night.

Dr W said to give it two weeks to work. Sigh. This morning I took the anti-anxiety med. After the ongoing payroll issues my heart was racing just a bit too fast.

This weekend Bug is showing. Saturday is a 4-point major and Sunday is 1 point. Saturday afternoon I am going to look at houses with our realtor. 10 of them – all alone. DH is going up to Maine to hang with some college friends (it has been planned for about 6 months – long before the house search was a reality).

I have yet to squeeze any exercise into my life and I REALLY need to.

Dreaming

2010-05-29T10:32:00.002-04:00

One of the questions Dr. W asked me on Monday was did I have any recent recurrent dreams. I told him I have not been dreaming at all, oh wait I said, I did have one somewhat sexual dream about Dennis Leary the other night. What is odd about that is I do not currently find him attractive. I think I might have slightly when he and I were both younger, like high school age for me, so almost 20 years ago.

Since taking the remedy on Monday I have felt much less anxiety to the point that I am now worried I am not going to get my period. Part of the reason I will typically know my period is coming is I am really testy and anxious. So now that symptom is gone, it is day 28 and I am terrified I am not going to get my period. Gah!! But I think it does mean the higher dose of the remedy is working.

The point of this post is since Monday I have dreamt every night and remembered parts of those dreams. When I was younger I was a very vivid dreamer and I always remembered them. The last few years I stopped remembering them which was a bummer. So to remember a week of dreams is pretty cool. To top it off none of the dreams have been about mayhem or teeth breaking.

In the past a lot of my anxiety came through in dreams. Someone/something was ALWAYS trying to kill me and I was trying to escape. Or my teeth would get smashed and I could feel them broken in my mouth and taste blood (that is a pretty common dream, apparently). Perhaps before I was hiding my anxiety from myself and dreaming was how it came through? Now that my anxiety has been unleashed I can dream more regular things? I think I would rather be having nightmares, personally. No matter how bad the dream was or how I struggled mentally to survive I still knew it was a dream. It might actually be why I like horror films so much - they often reflected the sort of dreams I would have.

So which is better? To have horrible nightmares or live in a state of anxiety? I will take nightmares, thank you.

I saw L, my EMDR therapist on Wednesday. She agrees the baby crap was the start of the unwieldy and nasty anxiety. I recently remembered a memory which we think might have something to do with my desire to be perfect. I call it the dandelion memory and we worked on it on Wednesday night.

When I was in kindergarten or first grade I went with a friend to her grandmother's house. Her grandmother had a huge rolling hill of a yard and she was uprooting dandelions from the lawn. She told us we could help, but when I ripped up a dandelion she reprimanded me for not doing it correctly - I didn't take its roots. I have no idea if she really reprimanded me or just showed me the correct way to do it. I felt a lot shame and anxiety that I had done it incorrectly and this person I barely knew was angry with me. So L and I worked on breaking down that memory.

It seems my desire to be perfect started young, but I don't see a clear incident which pushed it - so perhaps it was more developmental? Things didn't really start getting messed up -in my life until 4th grade - at least as far as I am aware.

LONG Story, Short-Short

2010-05-25T09:32:00.001-04:00

I haven’t blogged here in forever. Basically last I seriously blogged here I was trying to figure out the birth control issue. I had asked my DH if he would consider a vasectomy. Ultimately me painting him into a corner about birth control options led him to tell me he wanted to have children, which led us to couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in reproduction issues.

Fast forward through some really serious panic attacks (me!) and lots of work at breaking down my deep fears about what it would mean to have a child, a few months of counseling every-other-week, and guess where we are? DH has decided he doesn’t want to have children and I am more ambivalent about it (not that I want to have them, just that I am not screaming NOOOO at the very thought).

I spent a LOT of serious time in my EMDR and regular therapy sessions breaking down my fears. I reached out to people with children who I knew would talk straight to me. I feel like breaking through my issues about the whole child thing was worthwhile because the decision I was making was based purely on fear – nothing else.

We think we have a fix for the birth control, which is great. However another problem has popped up. Since the whole discussion about babies, I have had pretty severe anxiety. Previously I dealt with a lot of depression – anxiety not so much. Now I live with anxiety about everything.

I saw Dr. W yesterday. He said that when somebody suddenly ends up with a new mental health issue like this they refer to it as kindling (I think that is the term he used). I think the anxiety I felt about the baby dilemma broke something in my brain or unleashed something and now I am prey to anxiety unlike I have ever felt before. It could have been any serious issue, but of course it had to be the baby issue. Ironic given the amount of fear I felt about that possibility.

So now I find myself needing to figure out how to cope with anxiety. Dr .W upped the strength of the remedy I am on to 1M. If I do not feel an improvement in one week I have a back-up remedy to try: 30c Chlamydia. Dr. W said he feels like since I have a lot of pelvic issues going on (bad pms, sex drive issues and a recent staph infection on my panty line that led to multiple panic attacks!) it might be a good choice. In the interim for those days when I am losing my mind with anxiety he wrote me a script for lorazepam to take as needed.

I am going to try and blog here again to see if it helps my anxiety. I am also going to see if I can’t start walking in the evenings to see if that alleviates my anxiety. I might try to attend yoga classes but I feel so swamped as it is I am unsure I can make the commitment.

Anxiety again

2010-02-23T13:28:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks I have been having more - than what has become my new normal - anxiety. First I was worrying about birth control. Then I began worrying about Bug. (My worry about Bug was validated – his right hip is extremely tight not allowing flexion or extension. Hypothesis is that it was triggered by the slip down icy stairs which occurred about 4 weeks ago. Today will be PT appointment # 3. If the PT does not feel there is a significant improvement we will likely be meeting with the rehab vet again, doing x-rays, and possibly a short course of NSAIDs.)

Once the Bug issue was sorted out I started worrying about these strange marks on the pads of his outer front digits that the PT noticed and thought might be corns or warts. I made an appointment with the vet and stopped worrying about that. My foot has been bothering me. I made an appointment with a podiatrist and stopped worrying about that. I started worrying about birth control again. Then I started worrying about money.

Currently I am worrying about money to the point that I am almost having a panic attack. I am worrying about what might happen if I lost my job. This is kind of valid and kind of not. We are busy again, but once the big job ends what will happen? GULP!

In general I think my anxiety is a bit off the charts. So I plan on calling Dr. W. Perhaps the remedy I thought was working so well was never the right remedy. I don’t know. I just know last night I thought seriously about taking some of my husband’s left over pain medication from his knee surgery to stop my mind from racing. NOT GOOD. That is a very slippery slope.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday and M and I both thought I was doing well. Then I went home and started obsessing about money – or lack of money. Ugh.

M did recommended an interesting article that was in this weekend’s Globe about mindfulness called Mind Power.

It's here! 2 years!!

2010-02-04T11:36:00.000-05:00

2 More Days and Homeopathy

2010-02-02T09:15:00.002-05:00

2 more days and it will be 2 years. Jeez - I expected these last 9 days to go by faster! DH and I am planning to go out for a nice dinner.

Nope, I did not fall off the face of the earth. Dh and I were dealing with a major issue and while we have not resolved it - and it may be years before we do, we are in a really good place. Our relationship is more intimate physically and emotionally than it has been in a long time.

I think the combination of EMDR, IUD removal, and no antidepressants has cured my sex drive issue - thankfully!! I actually think it was mostly EMDR. When my sex drive was really messed up - it was really traumatic. Once my sex drive started improving I was still not enjoying sex that much - now I am.

We have still not resolved the birth control issue and I think at this point we will not be doing anything permanent which leaves the current pull-out method or the ParaGard IUD. Even though I am really afraid of the possible side effects of the ParaGard IUD and potentially being in pain for 6 months - that is the way I am leaning. What other option is there? I do need to look into the Sponge, but ultimately I want my husband to be able to climax in me - that makes sex so much more intimate and enjoyable - at least for me.

I am currently on 2.5 mg of Lexapro and given how stressful my life has been I think it is safe to say the homeopathic remedy is working. We did change the energetic level to 200c when I saw Dr. W in December, but that's it. Hallelujah!'

Even though I hoped the homeopathic remedy would work - I am slightly shocked and incredibly happy it is!

9 Days

2010-01-26T10:38:00.003-05:00

In nine days it will be two years since I have had a drink. WOW. I have to admit I never thought it would stick this long when I quit in February 2008. Prior to this the longest I had gone without drinking was 11 months.

I don't blog that much here currently because I haven't had a lot to say. There are things going on, but this isn't really the forum for them.

Sad to see my last post on this blog. Scott Brown, the Republican candidate, ended up winning the special election. My choice in the primary was not nominated. I think Martha Coakley is an impressive woman but she obviously did not resonate with the voters.

Voting - it's important

2009-12-08T15:36:00.001-05:00

Massachusetts is holding a special election to fill the late Edward M. Kennedy’s senate seat. Today is the primary.

Guess how many people were voting when I went this a.m.? One plus me. I just do not get people. It really bothers me that people do not bother to vote.

dh decided at lunch who of the 4 democratic candidates he wants to vote for. We ended up selecting the same candidate, which I think is nice. In the presidential primary we canceled each other out. I went Hillary, he went Obama.

Somehow, given the candidate of our choice is pretty progressive, I do not think he will win the primary. Sorry, that just seems to be the way it goes. First choice for me, Alan Khazei (co-founder of City Year); second choice and who I think will actually win, Martha Coakley (current Mass. AG).

Apparently Hormonal

2009-12-07T11:35:00.002-05:00

I think not having sugar has made my hormones happier. I haven't really had any clue I was coming up on my period until this morning. My boss asked me to drive into Boston and drop something off for her. I felt overwhelmed and burst into tears (privately).

The overwhelmed part is a combination of a bad weekend for the Schnauzer (he NIPPED at my nephew!) ... and really that's it. That wiped out any good from this weekend for me. I know I can manage the situation, but I want to do more than manage it.

Progress

2009-12-07T09:04:00.003-05:00

Yay for me. I had barely any sugar for the past four (now starting five) days (2 pieces - one Friday evening and 1 Sunday evening). I have lost 3 - 3.5 pounds. My body is weird like that. it is very responsive to changes in diet.

The funny thing is I have been on this sweets binge and my skin has been terrible (IMO - my SIL didn't agree when I made this comment over the weekend). I picked up the recent Clean Eating magazine this weekend and they had a little blurb commenting that sugar causes your insulin to spike which affects your hormones which can cause an increase in testosterone which causes your oil glands to work over time = acne. HHMMM!!

Anyway, I feel good taking control of this excessive sugar situation.

Sugar!!

2009-12-04T08:48:00.005-05:00

Lately things have been both difficult and better. DH and I had a major issue arise. He asked me not to blog about it. I think we need to revisit that or I need to change my blog to private since blogging is a form of journaling for me and it helps me process. It is unfair to take away that option - I am sorry, I don't write physically often enough. If I tried to keep a handwritten journal about this my hand would be cramping.

Anyway, I don't know if it is stress or the change in seasons but I find I have slipped back into eating lots of sugar and lots of carbohydrates that are then immediately turned into sugar. I think I might be addicted to sugar. It makes sense since as an alcoholic I was ingesting loads of sugar on a daily basis and when I quit drinking my sweet intake definitely went off the charts. Lately my sweet intake has been off the charts again and I have been thinking about drinking more. Hmm...

So....the somewhat logical connection I made is that perhaps I am addicted to sugar. It would make sense, no?

Yesterday I did a bit of searching about sugar addiction and found this interesting site, Sugar Addict. I am going to try and stop eating so much sugar. Yesterday I had none - other than naturally occurring in fruit. It is tough for me because I do not drink coffee. I typically want sugar in the afternoon when I am dragging.

The web site above had some interesting book suggestions. I requested 2 of them at my library (Potatoes Not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons and The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Akron). I requested the Highly Sensitive person on disc. I hate books on tape, but self-help-y books tend to work on tape for me.

In other news I am on 2.5 mg of Lexapro and am pretty certain my remedy is working. Given the stress I have been under in the past few weeks the fact that I haven't had a break down and have just been a bit down and stressed about the situation says a lot.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-04T08:43:00.001-05:00

My holiday cards have gone out in the mail so I can post them here!

Irregardless

2009-11-13T08:37:00.004-05:00

A "pretend" word that people use incorrectly. Note I used it seriously in my previous post. I swear it has been culturally accepted. However, dh got a chuckle out of it at my expense and since I am so sensitive ("inadequacy" alert!)...it hurt my feelings! D'oh.

From Wikipedia:

Irregardless is a term meaning regardless or irrespective, that has caused controversy since it first appeared in the early twentieth century. It is generally listed in dictionaries as "incorrect" or "nonstandard".

The origin of irregardless is not known for certain, but the speculation among references is that it may be a blend, or portmanteau word, of irrespective and regardless, both of which are commonly accepted standard English words. By blending these words, an illogical word is created.

Holidays and Christmas Cards

2009-11-12T10:27:00.003-05:00

Holidays, I tend to hate them (with a passion). Except maybe for Halloween - Halloween I like. Why? Maybe I don't associate it with all the family hoopla and boring meals accompanied by too much food and alcohol.

Irregardless, I realize there is something I do like about Christmas. I love sending Christmas cards. I have already ordered and received my holiday cards and will be writing them up shortly. Then I will send them to all my friends, family, and distant relatives. I am a bit of a fanatic about Christmas cards! Hmmm...even when I was travelling I sent Christmas cards from abroad.

So, it is good to recognize there is something I like about a holiday. Probably it is because I like writing letters and I like mail. Makes sense I should like holiday cards, doesn't it?

Drat

2009-11-06T15:55:00.001-05:00

DH is fertile. Calling my gyn now.

Testing

2009-11-06T14:57:00.003-05:00

Today is dh's appointment with the urologist - he dropped off some sperm last week. This week we find out how healthy they are.

If they are healthy I guess I need to call the gyn and find out if we can do some blood work and whether the blood work is a true picture of whether or not I am fertile.

If the PnP method is truly luck then I find it hard to believe we were lucky for 5 years - especially when we were drinking and partying, etc.

Do you know how hard it is to find information on fertility tests for women? It doesn't appear to be cut and dried. I guess I am a small percentage, but I do not want to under go an invasive surgery if I am not fertile in the first place. Doesn't it make sense to check that out first?

If we are both fertile then we will have to discuss the tubal ligation versus vasectomy. Obviously a vasectomy is way less invasive, but if dh is unclear about what he wants it isn't fair to put that on him. I think the IUD is out due to the sensitivity to copper. I still think we could just freeze sperm and then if he remarries he'll have that! ;-P

How to Recognize Problem Drinking

2009-11-01T09:09:00.003-05:00

Am I drinking too much?

YES, if you are:

A woman who has more than seven drinks* per week or more than three drinks per occasion

A man who has more than 14 drinks* per week or more than four drinks per occasion

Older than 65 years and having more than seven drinks* per week or more than three drinks per occasion

*--One drink = one 12-oz bottle of beer (4.5 percent alcohol) or one 5-oz glass of wine (12.9 percent alcohol) or 1.5 oz of 80-proof distilled spirits.

When I was drinking - and I am not talking about excessive drinking, I am talking about when I thought I was drinking moderately and it didn't really affect my life - I drank at a minimum 2 drinks a night - probably more considering the wine glasses could be pretty big. That amounts to a minimum of 14 drinks a week - more than a MAN should be drinking. Double what a female drinker who drinks "Too much" drinks. Hmmm....guess I really did have a problem.

It wasn't ruining my life at this stage - after all I was drinking moderately (it was ruining my head, though), but I am sure it would have eventually gone back to ruining my life.

Talking to L about my drinking I explained to her that the first time I ever drank (when I was 15 or 16), I drank until I blacked out (and some guy [a "friend"] took advantage of me. Sweet!). I was never-ever confused about the fact that drinking wasn't good for me, personally. I always had very mixed emotions because from the beginning I COULD NOT control myself around alcohol - I drank and drank until I woke up the next morning not knowing what happened. Now, someone with a better sense of self-preservation or less depressed, would probably have stopped drinking. But not me. This continued for many years through many destroyed friendships.

L says the fact that I blacked out the first time I ever drank suggests I am actually allergic to alcohol. Makes sense to me.

Here is the $100 question - one of a handful that people do not like to answer honestly:

Has my drinking become a habit?

YES, if you drink regularly to:

Relax, relieve anxiety or go to sleep

Be more comfortable in social situations

Avoid thinking about sad or unpleasant things

Socialize with other regular drinkers

To me, this spells PROBLEM.

I'm Healthy

2009-11-01T08:52:00.003-05:00

That is the affirmation L gave me at my EMDR appointment on Wednesday. I went in feeling like crap emotionally.

The past week and a half I had been wondering why anyone was ever friends with my when I was really fucked up or really depressed. I was also thinking a lot about drinking.

My dh has been drinking on a fairly consistent basis. Not a lot on a regular basis, although also having nights of excessive drinking, and it has been wearing on me. It is REALLY hard for me not to drink and I do not feel like that is recognized. Add to the fact that things have been stressful because I have been questioning his drinking. Well, I was thinking about whether or not I needed to start drinking again to ensure my marriage continued. How weird is that? Pretty extreme, but I feel like being sober is such a downer. Especially if all your friends drink too much. It's all the circle you hang with, ya know?

The funny thing, is the reason I stopped drinking is because I know eventually I would RUIN my marriage if I continued.

So, in talking to L about the drinking she basically said I was crazy and I am healthy, why would I want to give that up? She also thought I was right to be concerned and I have been feeling crazy (and like an absolute nagging b!tch) because dh says there is no problem.

Regarding the "Why was anyone ever friends with me when I was so fucked up" thought. She asked what dh said when I shared that. He said that people can see the good in me obviously. I also mentioned it to my friend Lola and she commented that I didn't let people know how bad it was.

We opted to do a small EMDR session on this thought. Lori asked me to remember the first time I thought/felt this. I told her my memory and she said, "Well, your memory contradicts what you are feeling!" Holy cow, it does.

The memory was from when I was really screwed up and doing a lot of coke. We had gone to a friend's friend's apartment in Mission Hill. I had a fair amount of coke on me but it wasn't really a crowd to do it with. I did it secretly earlier in the evening and then after everyone passed out a friend's boyfriend and I ended up hanging out in the bathroom doing the rest. Of course, when you are that messed up - drinking all evening, high as a kit - with good company there is always the possibility for heavy intense conversation assuming the other individual is intelligent. He said, and I recall this moment so clearly, "you're so smart why do you do all this shit?" I had no real answer for him.

What's funny is I took this statement and made it into such a negative. I may be smart, but I am such a fuck-up. I turned it into everyone only seeing me the fuck-up versus seeing the person hiding behind being so fucked up.

It took L to point out to me that my memory says the exact opposite of what I was feeling. Now that is so obvious. Pretty cool.

Fighting off Illness and Feeling Grumpy

2009-10-24T11:45:00.002-04:00

Last weekend I was outside in the rain, cold, and eventually snow working and playing with my dogs. Monday I felt kind of crappy - so I went to bed at 8:30. Pretty much every day this week I have been in bed by 9 at the latest. DH has been home the majority of the week with nausea and a fever. I debated sleeping in a separate room to ensure I did not get sick.

I am CRAZY busy at work. This is a GREAT thing, yet I feel under the weather and that causes a bit of stress for me and my bosses! Yesterday afternoon I started feeling thick in the head. Like you feel before you get a cold. uh-oh. I stopped at GNC and picked up something my therapist recommended - Ultra Zinc Lozenges. She claims if you start taking them as soon as you feel under the weather they work like a charm. I have been drinking Emergen-C all week and taking my vitamins. Please no illness for me.

My chiropractor recommended bromium, but since I am on a constitutional remedy I can not take other remedies.

All week I have been a bit grumpy. Today I am TOTALLY grumpy and feel like crap.

I was supposed to spend that day at a Terrier Fun Day doing Earthdog and lure coursing with the Schnauzers. Due to the forecast of 100% precipitation it was cancelled. I am so happy. I have loads of chores around the house that have been neglected, BUT I can take it easy and eat my Ultra Zinc!

I am worried about the grumpiness. I am only taking 5 mg of Lexapro. Last week I was PMSing and got my period Monday morning. Then this week I have been not feeling that hot. Today I opened the dryer and found dh had left a load of laundry in there. It made me so frustrated. I feel like my level of frustration was not in sync with the issue. I feel like I have been grumpy to him for the past week and the dryer made me really angry. Is this me being sick or the Lexapro? That is what I am worried about.

I feel like I have been doing well on the reduced Lexpro. I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on it.

In other news, last weekend I was supposed to attend an Animal Communication workshop. I got there and it was cancelled due to low-enrollment. They gave me my check back but never called me to tell me it was cancelled. So I had left a trial to go to it. Boo.

Anyway, once good thing did come of it. The teacher showed me how to use a pendulum. So I have been practicing all week and bought a beginner book on it. It is based on the same premise as muscle testing. I find it fascinating and look forward to becoming confident enough to use it to test food for the boys.

DH also had his appointment with the urologist and they are doing a fertility test next week. Does anyone know how you can test a woman's fertility? The little I was able to find online sounded confusing. I think if either of us are sterile it is probably me - but I could be wrong. It would be nice if one of us was.

Contraception Update

2009-10-08T09:48:00.003-04:00

So, when I talked to the gyn on Tuesday - she confirmed what everyone (except for one single DOCTOR years ago who I choose to believe over everyone else) has been saying - the PnP is not safe. She said we have been lucky.

Argh.

So what will we do before we sort out our contraception issue? I don't know. We have used PnP so successfully I almost want to just stick with it until we figure stuff out.

However, the fact that she said it has been luck has raised the question for dh and me about whether one of us is sterile.

So dh has an appointment with a urologist to discuss the vasectomy and test his sperm later this month. It stinks that it is so far away, but we are moving in the right direction.

I had a chiropractor appointment last night and had C muscle test me for copper. She said it is iffy. She said I could problem use it short term but that I have a sensitivity to copper and it would likely increase. Gah. Back to tubal ligation and the very scary Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. C (chiropractor) says: vasectomy. Then she said, just tell your dh you'll have to use condoms. I said, I hate them more than he does so I don't think that will be an effective tactic.

Anyone have any brilliant thoughts?

Stuff

2009-10-06T21:43:00.002-04:00

Argh. I can't believe it has been so long since I posted. In regards to the Lexapro - Dr. W had me go up to 10 mg until I felt normal again, then down to 7.5 mg. I have been at 7.5 mg for just under a week and went down to 5 mg today. We'll see how it goes. If worse comes to worse you can get Lexapro in liquid form and you can taper down even slower.

Today I had my appointment with the gyn to discuss tubal ligation. After my post last week or two weeks ago? I started researching more on line about tubal ligation and found out about a condition called Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome in which women have WORSE pms (among other symptoms) after having their tubes tied, to the point that they often choose to have the tubal ligation reversed and pay out of pocket for it. That scared the crap out of me. I mean - something is so bad you are willing to pay 10k to have it reversed? Gulp. I stopped reading because I decided that I was scaring myself needlessly and it might just be an internet myth. Nope, when I talked to Dr. K about it today she said it is a "known entity" although they are not sure why it happens. Ugh. Granted the percentage is fairly low - 10% - but that is still 1 in 10 women.

So....that makes me much more hesitant about the tubal ligation. She suggested a ParaGard IUD, which is copper,contains no hormones, and is effective for 10 years. I have heard that pms and cramping is much worse with these. She says that typically it is only worse for the first 3 - 6 months while your body is acclimating to the irritant in your uterus! Nice.

What SUCKS is my insurance does not cover IUDs. They cover contraception in the form of birth control pills and they cover tubal ligation or vasectomies, but no IUDs. Boo. So, if we opt to go with the ParaGard that is $1,200 out of pocket - yes it is cheap if I use it for 10 years, but what if it causes unbearable pain and I want it removed within 3 months?

DH also met with his primary care today to discuss a vasectomy. Apparently it was a complete waste of time and his PCP just referred him to a urologist. It did raise all sorts of issues for dh which he is not comfortable discussing with me. I think he is not sure that he doesn't want to have children, and if that is the case then I cannot ethically ask him to have a vasectomy. I think (hope) he realizes, if that is the case, he will be having children with someone else. I have absolutely no qualms about my decision - I do not want to have kids.

It was a really frustrating day - I do not feel any closer to a solution - and a solution is what I want!

Other than this I have been feeling pretty good mentally.

My Neighbor's House

2009-10-06T21:40:00.002-04:00

This is my across the street neighbor's house. They do an AMAZING job decorating for Halloween.

Withdrawal

2009-09-23T17:36:00.001-04:00

Given the quick onset Dr. W feels my emotional upheaval is withdrawal. He suggested returning to 10 mg until my mood has stabilized then reducing to 7.5 mg. Apparently Lexapro comes in liquid form, so if I have trouble chopping up my pills we can switch to that.

BOOM!

2009-09-23T11:35:00.003-04:00

Okay, yesterday I was still not feeling great mentally. This morning I woke up and had a huge discussion with dh (before work - nooooo.......) that ended with me in tears. I opted to take 10 mg of the Lexapro instead of 5 mg. E-mailed Dr. W. Could I already be feeling the effects of reducing the Lexapro? Is it just mental?

Called my gyn to schedule an appointment with a new gynecologist - my old one - who I discussed the tubal ligation (not litigation!) with moved to NY. I have an appointment for 10/6 with the new Dr. Then I called my insurance to see if they really do cover tubal ligations. Apparently they cover 100% of eligible expenses. I asked what that means and they said as long as they don't do an x-ray of my foot or something else wacky while I am under it should be completely covered.

We have recently used the "pull and pray" method, as dh calls it. We used it successfully for years. However, I think my feeling about children were more ambiguous then; perhaps a part of me thought I would change my mind. Now I absolutely KNOW I will not change my mind and the thought of having to have an abortion is really distressing to me. Birth control doesn't work for me, vasectomy is out because DH just won't, condoms feel HORRIBLE, diaphragms don't fit right, cervical caps aren't effective for me because my cervix is too anterior, blah, blah, blah - which all leaves tubal ligation.

My big hope is they can schedule it really quickly after my meet n greet with the gyn. We'll see.

Damn

2009-09-22T11:47:00.002-04:00

Took the remedy Friday. Had a C-R-A-Z-Y busy weekend, followed by a very busy Monday.

I was a bit blah yesterday. Chalked it up to exhaustion. I am feeling a bit blah/down today too which has me worried.

New Remedy

2009-09-18T10:10:00.002-04:00

I saw Dr. W yesterday. We talked about how I am doing on the Lexapro - which is pretty decent aside from the sexual dysfunction, which has improved a bit. He asked if I wanted to stick with the Lexapro.

I could not have said "no" more emphatically. NO, I do not want to stay on the AD. So, he asked me more questions and settled on a new remedy, Medorrhinum - another nosode.

The homeopathic remedy Medorrhinum, which is made from gonorrheal discharge, is used to treat a range of ailments, including gynecological ones.

Kind of icky, but when I visited various sites reading about the remedy I began to feel very optimistic. This remedy actually sounds like me (versus the Av. Tub. which didn't really at all).

I took the remedy this morning and I will be cutting the Lexapro to 5 mg. I am to touch base with Dr. W in two weeks. If I decline I am to re-up the Lexapro - preferably before I get REALLY low.

He also told me to start taking the L-Arginine and L-Ornithinine again. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to continue to take it or not and had stopped after two weeks. He also said between my body adapting to the Lexapro and us decreasing the dose I might notice improvements.

Lack of Focus

2009-09-17T09:57:00.002-04:00

I had an EMDR appointment last night. My first in about a month due to Bug's show schedule. It went really well - we are starting to get to the root of some of my issues with my mum, feeling defensive, etc.

I commented to L that since having the IUD removed I have been having bad PMS - although not as severe as it was in the past. Previously I would have one day - either the day right before my period or two days before where I would be so low I was suicidal. Now I have severe lower back pain and am short tempered. I will take that over feeling suicidal, although after not feeling either for 5 years it is kind of a bummer.

It's funny, since having the IUD out, each month I think I must have knocked my pelvis out of alignment ('cause that is what it feels like) until I realize I am PMSing.

The good news is my sexual dysfunction has decreased. However, I find myself really lacking focus at work. I find it very disconcerting. L said it is possible it is the AD.

In a nutshell, L thinks I should be sure and mention these issues to Dr. W when I see him tonight.

I have had a super busy week. Monday Ike had class, Tuesday Bug had class, Wednesday I had EMDR, tonight Dr. W.

Vitamins

2009-09-11T13:10:00.003-04:00

Not that much has been going on, and since this is my blog where I vent all my angst that is a good thing.

I just ordered some vitamins. After my disillusionment with the naturopathic dr I used up my remaining vitamins and slowly came to a supplementing stop. I think part of that was the disillusionment with his product pushing and part was because I was depressed and didn't realize it.

However, I did feel a lot better when I was taking all those supplements and decided I would start taking some vitamins again - in a more cost-effective and low-key way. Today I purchased, from Vitacost.com the following basics:

NSI Ultra B Stress Formula with Vitamin C
NSI Calcium Magnesium & Vitamin D
NSI Synergy Once Daily Multi-Vitamin Version 3
Country Life Wheat Germ Oil

I order my husband's joint supplement (NSI Glucosamine Chondroitin MSM with Vitamin C) and Traumeel for Buggie here. They have a very low-cost shipping fee (flat $4.95) and very reasonable prices. A lot of their supplements, which go under the name NSI, have been vetted by ConsumerLab.com.

I have been debating whether I should start taking a joint supplement or not. Lately my knees sound a little crunchy, but I do not have any joint pain. I know regarding the dogs I buy into giving joint supplements prophylacticly (spelling?). I guess I figure since my activities mainly consist of walking and hiking I don't really need to. I'm not sure that's true though. Something to ponder. Of course then it makes me wonder if I should somehow try and squeeze more exercise into my day. I don't think it is possible though. I also hate the gym - give me the outdoors any day.

Other news is that my mother is really depressed, but she'll "get through it" without any ADs, thank you very much. I spent a couple of nights there at the end of August because Bug was showing in Maine. Both mornings she was SOBBING uncontrollably about nothing - just because she is so sad. I talked to my therapist about it and I am considering calling her therapist and saying how concerned I am. What sucks is I know that the most helpful thing i could do for her depression would be to try and bring her out of her shell and engage her. however, she is so effin' negative I can barely stand to talk to her. Needless to say, I am not sure what to do.

I Hate Hormones

2009-08-18T08:35:00.003-04:00

Ugh!! I am pretty sure I am feeling hormonal.

In general I have been feeling pretty good. Then yesterday my fuse noticeably shortened. I am feeling stressed and a bit short-tempered. I am not sure what that means in terms of the big picture.

I need to call Dr. W. I think I have been at the reduced Lexapro for about a month (I'll need to double-check). However this makes me realize a month ago when I called him and took the remedy again because I didn't feel the reduced Lexapro was doing it's job - it was probably just hormones. That also means that neither the AD or the remedy are addressing my hormones.

I was just starting to feel uncomplicated!

It is also brutally hot here. It is the 3rd day of 90 plus weather and the 4th day of REALLY hot weather. DH went to bed at 7pm last night just to be in the ac. I don't mind the heat as much as my husband and the dogs do, but it does make me feel lazy.

We have been having cold dinners for days! :-) I am running out of ideas. We have done tuna sandwiches and greek salads. Maybe different salads or perhaps a hummus and veggie sandwich? Or Crescent Ridge Ice Cream/Frozen Yogurt for dinner? I am sure I wouldn't be the only one with that idea!!

A little bit Trying

2009-08-14T11:11:00.003-04:00

This past weekend I went to a wedding where the alcohol was imbibed in a fast and furious manner.

I didn’t drink.

It was very difficult situation to be sober.

The wedding was a collection of many “pretty” people. I have little in common with most of them – especially when I do not have the social lubricant of alcohol.

My dh became legless both nights.

The first night I didn’t worry about it too much. We were celebrating the marriage of a best friend. So he over did it, I could understand how one gets carried away. After all, in the past I have done it myself innumerable times.

The second night I wondered why he would get so drunk when he had been so drunk the night before.

I know, I know…. it is a happy event; people get carried away. The groom is one of our best friends; we are so happy to see him married off to a lovely woman. Blah, Blah, Blah. I was a bit frustrated.

Sunday morning after the wedding, we met up with some other wedding attendees and wedding party members. They had all been drinking since 9 am. They were out on the front lawn of a lovely old hotel BOOZING it up at 11 a.m.

I wasn’t comfortable. In the past I certainly would have taken part, but hey…that is why I stopped drinking. Because I think that kind of excessive binge drinking says you have a DRINKING PROBLEM.

Last night dh went out with basketball friends. He is on vacation all week. Yesterday was my first day back to work. One of my bosses has been out of the office for a month and I know we have a big project to work on today.

My husband gets home at 12:30 a.m. and proceeds to talk LOUDLY to me and the dogs. 1:15 a.m. – just as I begin to fall back asleep he starts vomiting onto the floor next to the bed and prepares to vomit more….BESIDE the bed, on the floor. I told him to get into the bathroom. He continues to vomit and then heads back to bed. I tell him he needs to clean up the mess so it doesn’t stain. It is red – he must have had salsa. He says he’ll do it in the morning. Uh, hello?!

I clean up the vomit and put some of the things he vomited on in a plastic bag that he can take them to wash today.

As he is exiting the bathroom I tell him to take the small trash bin from the bathroom in case he throws up more.

I am furious. More furious than I have ever been with him. I take the dogs and go sleep on the couch as he begins puking in the trash bin. Let me tell you, I couldn’t fall asleep and then when I finally did I wasn’t very comfortable. (Hmmm...why wasn't he on the couch? because the room smelled like booze and puke!)

I don’t understand. This kind of truly excessive drinking is not something he does frequently and yet three times in less than one week he has been stumbling drunk. And in each instance I have had to clean up some sort of mess.

Perhaps it is Karma – a penance for being a black-out drinker for so many years. I don’t know. I guess I know now how badly it sucks to have the shoe on the other foot though.

The upside is going to Block Island was fun. I'll post pictures at some point.

Farm Fresh Veggies

2009-07-29T11:37:00.004-04:00

I'll get to my title, I swear. I talked to Dr. W yesterday. He said to take my remedy again and give it a week to see if I notice any difference.

What's funny (or rather odd) is I have been EXHAUSTED this week; like on drugs exhausted. Although I am not on any drugs that should cause this level of exhaustion. I overslept Monday (not that surprising considering Saturday I left my house at 5 a.m. for a trial and didn't get back until 9:45 p.m. and Sunday I left at 9:30 a.m. and didn't get back until 7:30 p.m.). Yesterday morning and this morning I was very nearly falling asleep while driving! Monday I actually made coffee in the a.m. and yesterday I stopped and got a small decaf coffee on the way to work.

I don't understand why I am so tired unless it is the humidity. We have gone from rain, rain, rain to HOT and HUMID. It was so humid Monday my car's ac was causing condensation outside the windshield! or lowering the Lexapro and this is an additional sign of depression? I'm really not sure.

Yesterday I decided I was going to try and be even more proactive about my damn sexual dysfunction. I googled away and found some interesting articles. Including this one which has quite a few recommendations.

I picked up the L-Arginine and L-Ornithine yesterday as well as some Ginko Biloba. Of course, today I am googling more about ginko and it says NOT to take it with anti-depressants. It can cause Serotonin Syndrome. Well, DRAT! Not to mention a nice reminder about the dangers of taking herbs willy-nilly.

Onto my title....yesterday I stopped at a local farm and picked up local blueberries, cherry tomatoes, cukes, spring mix, and corn. The difference between the stuff you buy in the store and the stuff at the farm stand? I can't believe the difference in taste - how much more complex and sunny the farm stand stuff tastes. And it's cheaper to boot!

Stupid Titles

2009-07-28T09:36:00.002-04:00

For the life of me I cannot think of a good blog post title. Perhaps I need to wait until I complete the post to title it?

Today is not a good day. I snapped at DH this morning. Stupid stuff is getting under my skin.

Last night I came to be at 9:30 after not feeling well all day (which I had said multiple times prior to leaving for a lesson) and dh wanted to kiss, etc. Which would lead to sex of some sort. I have my period. I didn't feel great. I was exhausted.

On top of all of that everything is complicated by the fact that I rarely feel like having sex due to the medication I am on/or my depression or both - who knows which came first. The fact that I feel so asexual and do not enjoy sex anymore makes me feel inadequate and like an awful wife.

All of this gets mashed together and I am sorry, dh doesn't get it. So, that sucked big time.

This morning I made a snide comment to him about not emptying the trash - I went to throw something away and he had crammed stuff into it. He said he would do it in the evening. Well, since I am home earlier than he is and will surely need to throw things out that means I would likely empty it. Argh. And empty the dishwasher.

On top of all this we were both busy this weekend and no one even THOUGHT about laundry. Prior to his knee surgery he was being pretty good about it. Now 10 weeks later we are at a point where we have a PILE of laundry and he doesn't even see it. He'll see it when he needs something. It NEEDS to be done in a timely manner so it isn't overwhelming.

So, I lost it about the laundry this morning. I actually didn't yell, but I was nasty. It drives me crazy. Does he think I like to be constantly pestering him to carry his weight? I don't. I hate it. I don't understand why he can't be proactive. It's one of the reasons I resist buying a house - because guess who will be overwhelmed with chores?

Writing this blog post has made me even more annoyed about it. And while some of it might be hormonal and some of it is the fact that STUFF isn't getting done. I feel like most of it is probably the fact that this is week 2 at 10 mg of lexapro versus 15 mg.

So I called Dr. W this morning and left him a voice message. Should I take the remedy again? I am going to Whole Foods to pick up the alternate antidote for the sexual dysfunction at lunch. I also am planning on asking Dr. W if he has ANY thoughts about other avenues I can pursue regarding the sexual dysfunction. It is driving me close to the edge. It is worse than it was.

I think a small part of the problem are the condoms. They suck. If you are already having trouble getting in the mood, to use condoms? UGH. Talk about killing the mood. I am feeling less fearful about the tubal ligation (spelled it correctly!). I wonder how much it will cost after insurance. I am afraid of getting a $1,000 bill.

Today sucks. I am not in a good head space and I feel really frustrated about which direction to head.

What's Up?

2009-07-22T14:13:00.002-04:00

I have been busy…and feeling pretty good mentally, if not physically. Last week I spoke to Dr. W and we reduced the Lexapro to 10 mg. Now we wait and see. Do I start acting snarky and short tempered again? Do I begin to worry myself sick about my dog’s health and my finances? Am I functioning?

If the answer to all of the above is yes we will reduce the Lexapro again – in about 4 weeks. If the answer is no we will re-dose with the remedy.

Right now I find I feel pretty confident the EMDR is helping. I am thinking with more frequency about topics that in the past would have caused extreme anxiety.

My high school class recently had a 15 year reunion. A friend e-mailed me to see if I was going. If she hadn’t e-mailed me the night before and I had some time to plan – I might have actually gone! I cannot tell you how out of character and bizarre it is that I would even consider going.

I realize something. Part of the reason I have such a hard time revisiting my past – any of it – is because of how damn unhappy I was. I was so excruciatingly unhappy. I didn’t realize this before. I don’t know how as it is probably incredibly obvious to the rest of the world. Ah well….it was crammed in the bottom of the closet I guess.

I am not pulling my hair out about the upcoming wedding. What?!! That is unusual to say the least.

Currently I have an aching back – which means I threw something out of alignment. I’m not sure if it happened when sheep ran into me at our herding lesson or because Bug now thinks all 33.5# of him just stand on my stomach when I am lying in bed (Yup, he's is losing the breed ring weight - hopefully he is still fat enough). I love him dearly and I am glad he doesn’t have Ike’s “space issues,” but sometimes I wonder why a heavily coated dog thinks it is a great idea to lay on top of you!

So, tonight Bug and I will both see the chiropractor and I will continue my bemusement at the changes in how I deal with memories.

A Little Sick....

2009-07-15T09:00:00.002-04:00

Sunday night I could not fall asleep. It was annoying. Early Monday morning I woke up and COULD NOT fall back asleep. I know I probably wasn't awake for all that long, but boy is the tossing and turning annoying!

A.M. walk - Ikey P has explosive diarrhea. Uh-oh. Carmie (my in-law's MS) was sick Thursday - Saturday. Culminating in a vet visit Saturday morning where said vet suggested it was an obstruction and did an x-ray. It was NOT an obstruction (could have told you that!) and he didn't even prescribe metronidazole for her!! Anyway, I was worried Ike had what she had. EXCEPT I groomed him Sunday - I think it is NERVES!

Came back from our walk and dosed the boy with his homeopathic remedy (Nux Vomica), gave him a wee bit of squash with probiotics mixed in (cheating against the homeopathy, I know), and did not feed him. Left for work with my fingers crossed and planning on asking my boss if I could go home around noon to check on him and work the rest of the day at home.

Around 11 a.m. I start to feel nauseous. Weird. Leave at noon. The boy hasn't been sick! Hooray!!! Take him for a walk. Eat lunch. Plan on doing a bit of work before my therapy appointment. take a nap instead because I still feel crappy.

Woke up Tuesday morning STILL feeling off. headachey and nauseous. Decide to stay home. I haven't taken a sick day in SOME time. I slept/dozed until noon. NOON! Wow, I rarely do that.

In the afternoon I went to the library and picked up some thrillers. In the evening I took Bug to agility class, came home and crashed - even though I had slept half the day away.

Today I feel much better! Tonight I am taking Bug to handling class and a friend is going to handle him. I will try and take some video.

Therapy was okay on Monday. Given I wasn't feeling too hot and I didn't really want to be there...we both noted that I do not seem to have as much anxiety about the upcoming wedding I have to attend (I hate weddings). So, that is more progress I will probably chock up to EMDR.

Missing My Dad

2009-07-13T09:34:00.004-04:00

I decided my whole convoluted thing about my missing my dad being invalidated by his illness is a defense mechanism.

Oh, and L said part of the reason I might hate EMDR so much and find it so hard is because my crap is buried so deep. I think she is right.

I shouldn't say I HATE it. It is just hard for me - and I am not enjoying that feeling. Fortunately I am committed to it and it is proving to be effective.

Yes, I am alive!

2009-07-13T09:27:00.003-04:00

Things have been busy and I haven't been posting.

In short, I feel like the EMDR is helping.

I find it very hard and do NOT look forward to the appointments. Then I get there and the appointments themselves are not so hard per se.

This past week we tried gentle reprocessing which involves mental imagery. I was supposed to imagine myself standing on a rock in a river. I was supposed to imagine myself throwing the negative images/feelings I have about an incident when my dad had a seizure at home and as choking on a brownie (the seizure happening while he was eating). (I had to go upstairs and call 911. The operator was asking me questions that as an 11 year old I didn't know the answer to - what type of tumor he had, what sort of seizure he was having, etc.) I found the GR to be brutal. L wanted me to tell her what happened to the river when I threw those feelings into it. I started to have an anxiety attack about it. So I told L, "This feels REALLY forced. I don't think I can do this."

It felt stupid.

I didn't feel committed to the exercise, I felt anxious and like I was faking it. I had a really hard time imaging while sitting there. It was an extremely uncomfortable feeling. YUCK!!

L thinks I had such a hard time with it because I was unsure I was doing it correctly and that triggered my inadequate feeling. Perhaps.

We went back to regular EMDR and it was much more successful.

Quiet

2009-07-05T09:21:00.002-04:00

Things have been busy, and my mental health has been better - so I haven't been posting a ton. I have been fairly quiet on this blog and on my dog blog.

I am on Day 10 of the Claritin antidote and it doesn't appear to be working - at all. I guess I will try the alternate remedy sometime this week. Maybe that will work. I would be more stressed about this if I intended on staying on the Lexapro forever. Thank GODS Dr. W does not see that in my future. The alternate remedy is a combination of L-Arginine and L-Ornithine.

So, the other surprising thing is I think the EMDR is working. I actually asked my mum if she wanted to get together - I missed her! I can't tell you how long it has been since I have sought out her company. Eons.

Also, I am thinking about deceased family members and pets and remembering them in a fond way. I actually thought the other day that I missed my dad. I find that an odd thing to think because while he was here for the first 18 years of my life he was sick and not himself for half of that time. I have to figure out what it means that I think his illness somehow invalidates the missing him. I guess because he was sick I feel like somehow I didn't know the "real" him; yet I knew the him I knew.

If I were to become ill would I think the me I am while ill isn't a version of me?

Perhaps some of my hang up is because his brain tumor was in the frontal lobe. The surgery and the medication made him more permissive - or at least my mum and Aunts have said it made him more easy-going. Not quite the equivalent of a lobotomy, yet you mess around with the brain it does change things. So is that why I feel like it invalidates the father I knew sick? I'll have to bring this up with both M and L.

Yesterday was the 4th of July. We went over to the in-laws. It was fairly fun. Unfortunately Ike is afraid of fireworks and we could hear them quite well at their house. So, around 9pm I went home. I actually didn't really want to go home! That's unusual; typically I am ready to go home when Ike is - especially now that I am not drinking and most everyone else still does.

My MIL received a fire pit for her birthday and before I left I had to get the fire going. My FIL was not able to get it going. Fortunately I was a Girl Scout!! DH said he had to tend the fire after I left as no one knew what to do. Kind of funny.

My dad was very much an outdoors man and he certainly passed along many outdoor skills. And I used to go camping with the Girl Scouts quite frequently. I distinctly remember learning how to build a fire - there is a structure to a successful fire.

The other stressful news is my boy Bug seems to be gimpy in the front. I went to the vet on Wednesday and he suggested it was his elbow. I saw the chiropractor on Friday and she thinks it is his shoulder muscles. EITHER way he is gimpy. I am not sure how he did this unless it is just the fact that he is still carrying extra weight for the breed ring and his right leg - the shoulder that is sore - has more "turn-out" than it should. It is stressing me out a bit. I get flashes of him ten years frm now and all arthritic. I know....that would qualify as future worrying. I have him on a lot of anti-oxidant type supplements, plus a joint supplement, plus a homeopathic anti-inflammatory. I am massaging and stretching him. Not much else I can do, other than taking him to the chiropractor. I am also thinking about switching to a "performance" vet.

On Wednesday my vet suggested I limit his "high-impact" behaviors and included stairs and jumping off furnitur in that category. Ummm...he does agility and herding?

I am off to enjoy the second beautiful day we have had all summer! Sun and no rain.

What Exotic Animal Would You Be (If Reincarnated)?

2009-06-25T14:44:00.005-04:00

I took this quiz on Facebook. My response is hilarious:

Serval
A smaller exotic cat, extremely smart, with very soft fur. A very skilled predator. Will let you pet and play with it until it's just "had enough" and at that point will quickly roll around and shred your hands and any other body parts near enough to reach. Females will commonly attack their mates if their "performance" is unsatisfactory.

The funny thing is when I lived in Israel there was this Brazil girl who always called me oncia - which apparently meant cheetah in Portuguese - because of my freckles. I have probably mispelled it as I am writing it phonetically.

Good News

2009-06-25T13:08:00.003-04:00

Dr. W TOTALLY does not see me on Lexapro for the rest of my life. It was a stop-gap measure. He firmly believes there is a remedy for me (as do I considering there are 3,500 of ‘em). He is not married to the current remedy but he does think if I could have made it through the ‘aggravation’ (what homeopaths call when a remedy makes things worse), things might have turned around.

The new plan of attack – in about a month I will reduce the Lexapro to 10 mg. If I find myself sliding back into depression we will dose with the remedy again. I should not experience the aggravation a second time. If it does not “work” we will discuss additional remedies and if necessary up the Lexapro in the interim.

In addition he gave me some over the counter antidotes to try for the sexual dysfunction, which is now slightly different than it was before. One is Claritin! 10 mg loratadine daily for 2 weeks. He suggested taking it in the evening since it can make you drowsy. I was VERY tired this morning. If that continues I will switch and try his alternate antidote – a combination of two amino acids which I cannot recall. What’s tougher about the amino acid antidote is you must take in on an empty stomach (no food for two hours) with 8 ounces of water.

I am so pleased. I was afraid he was going to push for me to be on an AD for .... however long, but he is confident we'll find the right remedy.

Feeling Better?

2009-06-24T14:21:00.000-04:00

So, I believe I am feeling better. Good news. Of course it raises scary issues for me….like does this mean Dr. W isn’t going to want to pursue the constitutional remedy? I am seeing him tonight. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

In other news, I primarily eat dark chocolate nowadays (thanks Dr G) and apparently no longer really like milk chocolate. Today after lunch I picked up a Ritter Sport Bar – a favorite treat that I haven’t had in months. It is a butter biscuit covered with high quality milk chocolate. I found it unfulfilling. :-( Very sad – especially because I almost picked up dark chocolate truffle bar but was sidetracked by the Ritter Bar nostalgia craving. Ah well. Now I know.

I am also going through this weird thing where I have lost weight. First I went off the Cymbalta while I was seeing the ND, who had many suggestions about my eating habits. I lost a few pounds then. Then I had the IUD removed and lost a few more pounds. In total I have lost less than 10 pounds, but I wasn’t over weight so it is more noticeable. I guess? Like most women I thought I could stand to lose a few pounds, but now I have people commenting on how skinny I am. Why is it okay to comment on how skinny someone is? Usually it is couched in, “is everything okay?” format.

Meanwhile, I have definitely made some improvements in my eating habits, but haven’t lowered my food intake. My metabolism was affected by both the Cymbalta and the IUD. I remember gaining weight when I had the IUD inserted – my GYN said it was an unlikely culprit. She suggested giving up dessert at the time!

Anyway, while I kind of chafe at the too skinny comments it’s not like I am going to start eating more.

Monday I had an appt. with M. She got stuck on the fact that I do not visit my father’s grave. She feels like since my father’s illness and subsequent early death are major contributors to my “issues” it would be helpful/necessary to resolve my issues about his grave site. Learn to be with it, as she says. I am undecided.

Sometimes she pushes so hard I don’t want to please her by saying, “Okay. I’ll do it.” I get stubborn. I probably WILL do it – to see what if anything it means to me.

I have a LOT of resistance to memorials and markers of any kind. They make me feel like a pressure cooker internally, i.e. anxiety. I become so tight in my chest. What is all the resistance about? It’s a valid question. Louise Hay (well her audio book!) clued me in to the fact that if I am resisting something to this degree it bears closer inspection.

Re chiropractic adjustments – no more achy-ness. I now sleep on my back! I find sleeping on my stomach or side only comfortable for short periods of time whereas they used to be my preferred positions!

Tentatively Optimistic and Twisting

2009-06-20T08:08:00.003-04:00

Okay, I will say that I tentatively am starting to feel better. Dr. W said that the typical time for improvement is 1 week to 2 weeks with this drug. Today is exactly one week.

What is really interesting to me is that this bout of depression has been mostly anxiety filled. In the past anxiety wasn't a major issue that I was conscious of. I think the main difference is that I no longer self-medicate; alcohol and dope are both depressants. If you are anxious they will decrease the level of anxiety - at least to a degree. So most likely this anxiety was always there - I just didn't see it because I was stuffing it under self-medication.

The bad thing I noticed is that I feel no difference in my sex drive and in fact find it difficult to climax. With the Effexor and Cymbalta I could still climax, I just wasn't interested.

I have an appointment with Dr. W on Wednesday. I have some anxiety about it because it is at 4:30 (right after work) and I am not sure what to do about the dogs. I will need to talk to dh and my in-laws this weekend. I also have an EMDR appointment on Thursday - so....again not sure what to do about the dogs.

Monday I have an appointment with M. She said I can bring Bug to the appointment. I think I am going to ask my in-laws if Ike can spend the day with them and bring Bug to work. That way I can go directly to my appointment with him in tow. I think M is excited to meet Bug. She has a Cairn Terrier and is a dog person - well, a first time dog owning dog person - the newly converted! :D

I am tempted to call Dr W and see if I could bring Bug to that appointment as well. I couldn't do it with L's appointment because I think Bug would be in the way during the actual EMDR portion. He would be distracting and since EMDR requires so much visualization, etc - I don't think it is a good idea.

The other thing I have been noticing is that with my chiropractic adjustments I am starting to feel better physically. I am sore for a few days after I see C, but then I start to feel better. Last time I saw her (Wed.) I had the phase 2 adjustment for my pelvis in a sit. I told her I was starting to get worried because I was so achy all the time. She said it was normal since my body is going back to where it is supposed to be. Well, Friday I stopped most of my aching and today I feel pretty darn good physically.

The twisting in the title is because I work at a computer, sitting all day. I have found if I cross my legs now I feel like I am twisting my body. Isn't that interesting? I think it is because I am now more aligned. I worry a bit about knocking my self out of alignment but C said I am not that fragile. She said she has some clients that barely need a touch and they are out but not me. Phew. My wallet is grateful.

Have I already mentioned that I am very curious to find out if losing the head position is related to depression? I lose my head position constantly and it results in me being VERY noise sensitive. I know there is a connection between emotional trauma and how your body reacts, so I wonder if the head is related to depression. It would certainly seem like an obvious connection.

Today is sunny. THANKS GODS. We have had so much rain here in the North East that I truly feel like we must be living in the North West (am I repeating myself?). It is awful. I now know that regardless of how beautiful and cool Washington State and Oregon seem I will never be able to live there. Give me heat and humidity any day. Sorry. I spent some formative years in Texas.

Now I am off to do chores. Later today I have to attend a board meeting for my agility club and then celebrate the FIL's birthday and Father's Day. I actually had a semi-brilliant idea to help ease my anxiety about everyone drinking to excess. I bought drink mix and am going to make non-alcoholic daiquiris, etc for myself, the kids, and my MIL. Granted there will be too much sugar in them, but none-the-less it will be a treat that will help ease my personal tension.

Tired

2009-06-18T08:09:00.001-04:00

Where do I start? I feel like life has been a whirlwind. I do not feel miraculously better with the Lexapro; not that I expected to. I feel more capable of functioning.

Friday was LOW, LOW, LOW.

Monday I had an appointment with M followed by an EMDR appointment with L. IT WAS AN EXHAUSTING DAY.

I think I know in part where my inadequate statement comes from! There were so many times as a young teenager I was uncomfortable and embarrassed by my dad’s illness. This is normal, I KNOW THIS. But it has always made me feel like a terrible person.

Monday we worked on dissolving the image of my father in the hospital bed in our “formal” dining room – dying. The last few weeks his mouth would fill with phlegm. It was pretty gross and dangerous, except for the fact that he was dying anyway. I don’t think he was really there anymore. His body was just petering out.

We also talked about memory and how individual and fickle it is. I explained about having limited memories of childhood. M think it is stress/coping. L said, probably. She said in her experience people who have had large traumatic events in the life often focus on those events and are incapable of recalling other happy times. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if, as we dissolve the negative feelings associated with various moments I begin to remember more positive, happy times. I suspect they happened. I just do not recall them.

Anyway, Tuesday was not a great day. I woke up feeling as though the day itself was just daunting. I got up and got moving. I had class with Carmen which ended up being quite good.

Yesterday I had a 2.5 hour commute to work due to an accident and I wasn’t really THAT upset. I guess that is a good sign.

Today, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed. I am just so tired. Tired of getting up, tired of walking the dogs, tired of doing, doing, doing.

Friday Recap

2009-06-15T15:16:00.002-04:00

Friday was a terrible day. My irrational worrying about Bug’s health was at an all-time high. I was getting really close to not being able to function.

On my ride home from work I called and left a message for Dr. W. I did not consider it “an emergency” so I did not page him.

Basically I said, I am really committed to finding a homeopathic remedy, but my mental state has gotten worse since I took the remedy. I don’t think I can wait two weeks to be prescribed a second remedy (which was the plan), which might not work.

His voice mail specifically states that if you call after 1:30 on Friday you will most likely get a return call Monday. I was fine with that.

I was out walking the dogs and when I got back I had a message from him to page him. I did. He said I sounded a bit desperate. I guess I was. Anyway. He prescribed 10 mg of Lexapro (in the same family but different than Celexa – which I did well on until it stopped working years ago) daily. We are going to continue to work on finding the right remedy.

He believes you can take conventional drugs while seeking out the correct remedy. The truth is I have decent days, but over all my bad days are becoming worse. DH says he feel like I have been “treading water” since the anniversary of Pete’s suicide.

So, for the moment I have gone on the Lexapro. I don’t know what that means long-term. I know I really do not want to be on an AD. I know I need something at the moment.

Herding

2009-06-12T11:28:00.003-04:00

I cancelled Bug's herding lesson Sunday. I am too irrational at the moment with WORRYING.

He had a soft tissue injury. He lost muscle mass. Muscle mass does not return over night without work. Being sore is common (and NORMAL) after exerting yourself.

I know all of these things and yet I feel sick to my stomach with worry about him. Not rational at all.

My mental state is definitely deteriorating. Or I am having an extremely bad week and I cannot even blame it on hormones.

Spoke to Dr. W yesterday. He suggested I should wait another 2 weeks on the current remedy. Or I could consider conventional meds again. Argh. I am seriously considering it, except for the fact that I have invested so much time and energy in trying the homeopathic method.

I really don't want to go back to conventional meds given the effect they have had on my sex drive in the past (and that fact that they don't work that well for me). However, I am so stressed out and such a mess I don't have a sex drive anyway. Add to the fact that condoms SUCK. They are not comfortable - I have no clue what I am going to do in regard to birth control.

Even though I know I do not want children I hesitate to make a major decision like tubal litigation when I am obviously not that sane. Sigh. Why is everything so confusing?

DH says I made the right decision about herding, as does Katrin. I think it is the right decision, but then I worry he would be fine and I just cancelled, etc.

My head is just spinning.

Nuts!

2009-06-11T14:28:00.002-04:00

My EMDR appointment was supposed to be yesterday. I thought it was today. I received a call from L at 5:15 as I am trying to scurry out the door with dogs in tow for our chiro appointment.

“You know you had a 5 o’clock appointment?”

“Tomorrow,” I said, “Not today. Right?”

“No, today.”

Crap. Start the tears. I was so looking forward to EMDR Session # 2. I have been a MESS this week. I am still a mess. I have not been an unfunctioning mess, but VERY stressed out; WORRYING irrationally about things.

Serendipitously she had an opening on Monday at 7pm.

A couple of days ago I was heartsick about Carmen and her PRA. Today I am worried sick about Bug. Should I be taking him to a herding lesson this weekend? Is the joint supplement I am giving him good enough? Am I going to cripple my dog? I am worrying pointlessly. It is driving me nuts.

All of my worrying, feelings of inadequacy, extreme exhaustion have escalated since I took the remedy. So, I am either having a bad reaction or my depression/stress is getting worse.

Bug was in alignment. He was extremely tight, however he responded REALLY well to the trigger point therapy. I don’t know what to do. There is a part of me that wants to cancel my lesson on Sunday. Then there is a part of me that doesn’t want to. I am absolutely PLAGUED with indecisiveness. My chiropractor said if he stays loose then to go ahead. Ugh. I guess I will see how he is tonight.

My pelvis held in a stand and was out in a sit. I had been experiencing pain in my lower back/bum on the right side when sitting and only when sitting. C adjusted me in a sit and voila.

I think I will call the dr and let him know that I def. feel worse mentally.

Inadequate

2009-06-10T14:06:00.003-04:00

This weekend I went out to an agility trial in western Mass. to volunteer and work (my club was one of the organizing host clubs).

At lunch I decided to have a Coke – when I opened the cooler I saw they had root beer and choose that instead. Later in the day I panicked because I realized the Coke would be full of caffeine and act as an antidote to my remedy (possibly). CRAP! Except I drank the Root Beer instead, and it contain no caffeine. Hah.

Later after the runs were done for the day I was hanging out with some other club members. There is a new club member who is a friend of an existing club member. She talked non-stop for 40 minutes about what a witch she is at work. Then she made a comment about the ADA which I know to be false given my work. I said, “blah, blah, blah” and she claimed I was wrong. Now, I have come so far. I just let it go – I didn’t argue about it with her, which I absolutely would have done in the past.

However, it irked me and hit my “inadequate” button. I hate being bothered by something like that and more importantly, I hate being bothered by someone like that. And feeling inadequate because she insists she is correct is silly.

Other moments of inadequacy...Bug stayed with my friend while I was at the trial. Sunday when he was home he was very stiff. I iced him, massaged him, stretched him, but was feeling bummed. I felt like I don't do enough for him; that perhaps what I do is inadequate.

Yesterday I discovered Vitamin A can accelerate retina degeneration (my surrogate dog, my current agility partner, has PRA). The vision supplement the ophthalmologist recommended contains Vitamin A. The supplement I decided to give her contains Vitamin A. I was heartsick yesterday; feeling quite INADEQUATE (not to mention stupid, heartsick, and angry). Of course, I had a follow-up e-mail today that specified MEGA-DOSES of Vitamin A, not a daily dose, are what accelerate the degeneration. Although i am switching her supplements so as not to take any risk.

And then there is the situation with dh. I feel SO inadequate because I suck so much as a caretaker. The only upside about that is he is healing and becoming much more self-sufficient so my short comings as a caretaker are less glaring.

So, that is what I am living with at the moment - lots of feeling inadequate. It is definitely one of my sentences (in my head).

In addition I knocked myself out of alignment (I bumped first my hip, then my shoulder very hard into immobile objects) and am super sore and achy. It's very annoying. I now firmly believe my AD was indeed helping with my aches. I am seeing the chiropractor tonight. Hopefully Bug will be in alignment and I will not be as terribly out of alignment as I was the first time she adjusted me. My aches are more like the aches I had after my first adjustment - so I hope I am still partially in alignment. I also hope I see the mood lift I have gotten in the past.

This weekend at the trial she adjusted my head for me because I was so noise sensitive and it took my headache away, just like that. I am so amazed by how effective it is.

Tomorrow is EMDR appointment # 2. Hopefully we can touch on this whole inadequate thing I have kicking around. It sucks because intellectually I know I am not inadequate, and at least in the case of my dogs I know I go way above and over the norm in terms of care, and yet I irrationally feel inadequate.

No drinking so that is a plus.

Weirdo!

2009-06-04T13:15:00.003-04:00

I just reserved a space for a Jumping Skills (agility) workshop in July. It is a two week workshop and IMO very affordable. Now that I have reserved the space I am having an anxiety attack about it!

What on earth is wrong with me? Well, truly I think I know what is wrong with me - just when will it be better?

OUCH!!

2009-06-04T09:19:00.000-04:00

Last night – or rather early this morning (4:30) – I woke up with a KILLER leg cramp. In fact, my calf still hurts!

Bananas here we come. I rarely get muscle cramps.

Spoke to Dr. W the psych/homeopath last night. He is not concerned about the mouth wash antidoting the remedy. He thinks it is possibly a great sign that I am so unusually lethargic (as it might mean the remedy is the correct one).

I am too touch base early next week.

Yesterday was kind of a crap day. I wrote about my morning, I think – how overwhelmed and nasty I feel like I have been being to dh. Well, last night I was full of tears. I can’t even recall what triggered them. I think I was physically and mentally exhausted by the list of things I needed to accomplish (walk dogs, feed dogs, balance checkbook, pay bills, pick up laundry, clean bird and guinea pig cages, vacuum, take trash and recycling out, empty dish washer, make dinner, and then sit down) and the things I wouldn’t be doing (put away clothes, change sheets, clean bathroom, train dogs). I did finish all the things I intended to do last night, so that is good.

And per usual, after my emotions ran so high I feel better today. What is caused by the remedy? What is caused by my hormones? What is caused by my depression? Who knows. The only thing I can say with surety is that the extreme exhaustion is absolutely the remedy – it was so unusual, both for me and the way it felt.

Nasty? Wits End?

2009-06-03T09:50:00.003-04:00

I cannot decide what to call this post. Poor dh, I mentioned a few posts back that he can not say the right thing. I am just so stressed out and now I have my period - so he definitely can't say the right thing. bah. It sucks. I am very reactive to him and it is not my intention!

I think I might slowly add some of the supplements back into my diet - I do believe they helped, I just became uncomfortable with the patient/doctor relationship with Dr. G (the ND) and the pressure I felt to purchase and use said supplements. I have already picked up more whey protein powder from Whole Foods. I have to think about what is the most important thing for me to be taking. It might be worth seeing Dr. G again just to review what I was taking and prioritize what I should take on a smaller budget, and factor in the fact that I am now taking a homeopathic remedy.

Since I am now seeing my dog's chiropractor, I do not want to do any "body work" with Dr. G. I prefer the activator method of adjustments 150% more. I can feel and see the difference and it does not involve the stress the manual adjustments caused (to me, in my head).

Alas, my sex drive remains at zero. Granted given everything that is going on and the amount of stress I feel I shouldn't be that surprised. DH and I started watching True Blood, an HBO series about vampires. It should be causing me to feel sexy - it is a very sexy show, but with zero sex drive? Nothing happening. It's annoying. However I feel like even if I wasn't out of whack I might not have any sex drive given the stress. Who knows.

oh! And I have been having a super hard time with dh drinking. It is not like he is drinking a lot, but given he is unable to do anything and I really want to drink myself due to the stress (although less so this week), it is becoming an archetypal trigger for me. I am making that phrase up, but what I mean is - him drinking while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off makes me feel like I am married to a male archetype - guy who does nothing but toss back a few beers while wifey runs around and does everything. I KNOW this is not the case. He doesn't have a choice, but it is so frustrating to be trying to do everything and he is either on the computer having a few beers or sitting in front of the tv having a beer. It's become a trigger. i did tell him this, which will hopefully help.

Remedy and Exhuastion

2009-06-03T09:48:00.002-04:00

I was able to find a bit of info about Tuberculinum Aviare. Dr. W said he would call me back with more info, but given the nature of the remedy I am indeed supposed to only take it once (I believe it is actually a nosode).

Some interesting indications from Homeopathy-Help that seem spot on and one that is HYSTERICAL give my dog obsession!

Especially adapted to the light-complexioned, narrow-chested subjects.

Very sensitive, mentally and physically. General exhaustion. Nervous weakness. Trembling.

Mind. Contradictory characteristics of Tuberculinum are mania and melancholia; insomnia and sopor. Irritable, especially when awakening. DEPRESSED, melancholy. FEAR OF DOGS. ANIMALS ESPECIALLY. Desire to use foul language, curse and swear.

Head. Subject to deep brain headaches and intense neuralgias.

Stomach. Averse to meat.

Female. BENIGN MAMMARY TUMORS. (ta-da! GYN just found a cyst)

Back. Tension in nape of neck and down spine

Since I took the remedy I have been EXHAUSTED. Granted I also have my period – so that might be part of why I am exhausted. But this is a remedy commonly prescribed for the flu, the fact that I feel tired and ache-y makes perfect sense.

EMDR Session Con't

2009-06-01T14:19:00.003-04:00

L had me imagine my father on the day he returned home after his first surgery. I was 9 years old. Imaging that day made me very emotional. I cried and had a severe pain in my throat (I think from trying not to cry!). On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst – I felt like an 8. (L asked me to rate the way I felt – I found that really hard.)

L also asked me to think of a statement that was representative of how that image made me feel. I looked at her like the cat had my tongue. I had no idea. She gave me a list of statements I could use as a guide. Still I had no idea. I finally decided that maybe I felt like I didn’t deserve a healthy father? I am sure I didn’t think it then, but maybe it became that. Or maybe the sentence isn’t so important in reprocessing the image.

During EMDR a tripod is placed in front of you that has a piece of electronic equipment on top.

You wear head phones and hear beeps (or music depending upon your choice). You hold in either hand small attachments that vibrate. So, you have the tactile sensation, the visual lights moving back and forth on the equipment and the audio – the beeps or music.

L had me think of the image of my father and then began the beeps, vibrating, and lights. She would stop and ask where my mind went. We did this multiple times.

Sometimes I thought of my father, sometimes me mind wandered completely, other times I wondered how much progress I *should* be making – if I was on target. It was odd. It was VERY relaxing. By the end of the session, when I visualized my father on that day I wasn’t upset at all.

L said sometimes a session will stir something up and I should keep that in mind and make a note of it for her.

Saturday my homeopathic remedy arrived. Tuberculinum Aviare. I took 3 on Sunday afternoon. I am having a difficult time finding info about this remedy, but perhaps that is as it should be.

EMDR Session #1

2009-05-29T07:16:00.003-04:00

Okay, I am actually not planning on finishing this post at the moment - I will add on the EMDR stuff later. I just wanted to share that my new EMDR therapist L mentioned that M told her (they had talked to assist in the history taking) I seemed MORE depressed lately!

Fine. I guess it is true, but like I said yesterday I didn't recognize it as depression because I'm not suicidal and I am still able to function....for the most part. There are many things I am dropping because I am overwhelmed. Right now the idea of taking two different classes with the dogs? Or having two dogs in a class? Overwhelming. Usually I have a million things going on (at least two if not three classes a week plus work, life, trialing). Between having to be the primary caretaker for broken dh and ONE (count that ONE) class I am totally stressed out. Hah!

So, fine, I am depressed. Now on to work to fix it. I am being redundant here, but I just didn't recognize it. I suppose it is so different. Here is a positive spin on it. I have such better coping skills that a depression that would have left me completely crippled and suicidal in the past only has me unhinged and overwhelmed. How's that for progress! Tongue-in-cheek, but it IS progress. Which makes me happy, because it reiterates that change is possible. And in this instance while the change is good, I would rather be experiencing depression in this fashion than the piece-of-lead-in-my-heart fashion, it still kind of sucks.

The real wake up call for me is, you know you are depressed when you are thinking about how to get out of doing one of your favorite things (agility/classes/trialing) because it makes you feel overwhelmed. That makes me want to cry and makes me realize how unwell I am feeling. But like I said, there is a definite upside to all of this.

I will post about my EMDR session later. It was weird! DH has done EMDR for a few years and it has helped him tremendously, but he never really explained the nuts-and-bolts of it. I know there are slightly different methods, for example straight EMDR (which is what L ended up doing with me) works better for people with OCD. She originally planned on doing "gentle reprocessing" with me which is a slightly different format and involves focusing on an image.

The issue we worked on yesterday was my father's arrival home after his first brain surgery. I have this very clear image in my head of him sitting on the living room floor with us kids and the dogs and his head all bandaged up. I was 9 years old. I haven't thought about this image in a long time and it is one of the few things I remember form that time. DH commented that I need to tell L how I have practically ZERO memories of childhood - just blurs. It's completely a stress reaction and effects all my memories through high school.

She will realize this quickly though. She asked me to walk her through my feelings about him going into the hospital, etc. and I said - I only remember him coming home.

More later....

Sore, Triggers, Breathing

2009-05-28T09:46:00.000-04:00

So, I am quite sore after my adjustments yesterday. That soreness amazes me, as the activator exerts so little pressure; it’s so much less invasive than a manual adjustment. However, if you were out of alignment and moved into alignment I guess it makes sense. I don’t think I was ever sore after my manual adjustments. Although, now I am not clear they were effective to begin with.

I am going though this very weird personal growth period, and it is hard and it sucks. It is complicated by life not being that cooperative; or perhaps because life is not that cooperative it is happening. I’m not sure. I will say, although I am anxious and stressed to the nth degree I am not suicidal and I am still “functioning,” i.e. able to get up in the morning and do the necessary things that need to happen. Knock on wood, but as I mentioned in a previous post depression has never allowed me those two options before. Hmmm….

I feel terrible that my level of stress is mostly visited upon my husband. That is not fair. He recognizes I am having a series of mental health moments, but gawd there is only so much a person should have to put up with – especially in light of the fact that he is dealing with a longer than expected physical rehab himself.

I have EMDR tonight. I am so hopefully that we can work on the caretaking trigger. This morning I encountered a futility trigger, what is a futility trigger you might ask? I was feeling okay and took the dogs for a walk. Ike was Mr. I-Wannabe-Reactive; scanning for people to react to. He was walking along and doing a severe head turn to keep his eyes on people who are walking on the opposite side of the street and then expecting to be OVER-paid for not barking. We all have bad days right? This is the first day in a long time that Ike has been like this, but it made me feel so annoyed and I felt like everything is so futile.

Then we were crossing the street and Bug cut in front of me – my shin connected with him and I immediately became paranoid that I knocked him out of alignment after just seeing the chiro yesterday. Oh, the futility. You see?

I returned home in a foul, stressed out mood. Couldn’t see that maybe Ike was having a bad day but wasn’t really reactive, just scanning, or that Bug holds his adjustments well and I can see the chiro this weekend to double-check I didn’t break him.

I KNOW that I was being silly, but it took the car ride to work where I was practicing breathing to realize what had triggered the foulness. I also know it is a good thing that I was able to see what triggered it. I really need to get my @ss in gear and finish reading the book on mindfulness. More than half my problem – probably at least 80% is I let my head get away from me.

I am drinking a new Yogi tea that a facebook friend loves. It is called Mayan Cocoa Spice and is a “comfort” tea. Maybe it really is, because between the breathing and the tea I feel much better!

Chiropractic Adjustment

2009-05-27T20:22:00.003-04:00

Today I had a chiropractic adjustment. It was the first time I have had an adjustment with an Activator (versus manual) and BOY do I prefer it. My pelvis was out - and once it was pointed out to me, I noticed that I couldn't stand straight. In addition my head was out!! I was right about the noise sensitivity! :D It will be interesting to see if it decreases.

The most amazing part was it completely lifted my mood. I am a bit sore - which Cheryl said was normal as my body has been compensating for being out of alignment. Very exciting.

Good, Bad, Who Knows Anymore

2009-05-27T13:21:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I took the boys for a hike, and I think it helped my mental state. Everything looked so verdant. It was getting on to evening and kind of gray. Not a bad time to be in the woods at all. And to top it off, NO ONE was there!! Joy! (although DH would say that is maybe a reason to be more worried – but now, with two dogs and one double the size of the first? Nah.)

This morning, while it was rainy and gray I felt a little bit more upbeat.

However, anything and everything is stressing me out way too much. I look at this blog and I see I have been sober for 459 days and think, “I really want a drink.”

Lately I have been plagued by indecisiveness. I suspect this might be a sign of depression? It’s VERY annoying. I think I have made a decision and then I decide I made the wrong decision. OR I can’t even make the decision – I give myself a stomach ache instead. It’s very odd and lack of decisiveness hasn’t ever been a problem I was aware of in the past. Of course, just because I never noted the problem doesn’t mean it didn’t exist (hello, inability to say “no”).

Hmmm…so I just googled “depression indecisiveness” and I do think that is what is going on. I guess because I am not suicidal I think I am not depressed? How funny is that?

I have also experienced a wee bit of vertigo three times in the last three days. I had Labyrinthitis once, as a result I had vertigo for about 5 days – it was awful. Cross your paws for me I have just had low blood sugar or something else that might cause vertigo-ish feelings.

Now the good news, I did receive a call from Dr W yesterday (the homeopath). He was unable to connect with M but decided upon a remedy and is putting it in today’s mail. Gods willing I will receive it on Thursday or Friday.

Some interesting things about homeopathic remedies….there are quite a few things that will “antidote” a remedy. You are better off using conventional medicine if you are attempting to utilize a constitutional remedy (which is what my dog Ike has and what we are doing for me).

Common antidotes for remedies are: ARNICA (!!), coffee, mint, camphor (I had to give up my Carmex chapstick – fortunately I LOVE my replacement Badger Unscented Organic Lip Balm), tea tree oil (had to ditch my fave toothpaste Jason Healthy Mouth – I get cankers from sodium lauryl sulfate which is in many/most conventional brands – I replaced it with WELEDA Calendula toothpaste – it is mint and tea tree oil free!), some essential oils and strong smelling perfumes, etc.

The more I learn about homeopathy, the more sold I am.

M-e-l-t-i-n-g

2009-05-26T15:02:00.003-04:00

So, I am doing pretty crappy. I have just come off a 3-day weekend that should have been relaxing and all I want is to have a drink.

Yesterday we spent time with the in-laws and I felt like when I first quit drinking. The idea of hanging out with them (them being my sister-in-laws, one in particular) when they might be drinking was OVERWHELMING.

Then my friend came over with her husband and I was just all done – emotionally. Very stress-y.

I realized that part of my issue with dh needing assistance is it triggers my issues about my dad being sick. He was sick for 9 years; 36 years old to 45 years old when he died. My mum was his primary caretaker. Intellectually I get that this is nothing like that. However, it triggers this emotional response. I am stressed – stretched SO thin emotionally I pretty much feel like crying over everything. Poor dh can’t say anything right – it totally sucks.

I am skipping agility class tonight – I think I would either not be fair to my dogs or cry. I am feeling kind of panic-attack-y. I think I might try and take the dogs for a hike. I need to build Bug's muscles back up and exercise is good for the mood. Being in the woods on a lovely day sounds like just what the doctor ordered. It is serendipitous that Katrin has a friend staying with her and they are going to class together. I told Katrin how I was feeling and I didn't think I was up for class. I probably would have forced myself to go otherwise and if I didn't cry in class it wouldn't be because I didn't feel like crying.

The last two months have been brutal. I said this to dh and he said, "uh, no...the whole year." His dad got sick in February and needed to have stents placed in his heart (he is doing really well though!). Ah yes...

I have been off anti-depressants since late February and like I said, my moods are stormy. I am definitely out of balance. This week I hope to receive my remedy and start it. I also hope to start EMDR. My therapist spoke to the therapist that does EMDR. I expressed hope that I had given her enough information at our first appointment that we could get started with gentle reprocessing right away. My therapist M said EMDR-therapist L said I was very open and gave her tons of information. of course! I want help. At this stage of the game, I have been seeing therapists for so long I know how to spill the beans.

Anyway, I keep saying that things can only get better and I do believe/hope that is true.

Hanging in There

2009-05-25T09:39:00.003-04:00

So, I cannot count the number of times I have wanted a drink in the past week. TOO many.

Had a melt-down yesterday afternoon over dinner. I wanted to make a kale sesame side dish. DH wasn't interested - I melted down. Makes perfect sense, no? oi!

I have a 10:30 a.m. therapy appointment today and EMDR on Thursday. Hopefully my damn remedy will arrive in the mail. I need something as I am not very balanced at the moment.

Bug had a stellar herding lesson yesterday and so did I. One of the hardest things about herding is remembering NOT to watch your dog - keep your eyes on your stock. I have been taking lessons for a year in June - not that consistently, but none-the-less....this is the FIRST lesson where I remembered to keep my eyes on the stock without prompting. I am VERY proud of myself! I guess it sunk in during my time off.

So, at this very moment I am not feeling terrible, but lately my moods are like thunderstorms - they roll in VERY quickly. I am super noise sensitive and my landlord has very loud tweens who always seem to have a minimum of 5 kids over. I so NEVER want kids. I might see about Bug's chiropractor adjusting me. I know that in dogs the head being out of alignment can cause increased noise sensitivity and I def. feel like I have been overly-noise sensitive.

I am bothered that I want a drink so badly, but glad I haven't fallen prey to the desire.

I am hoping to get some weave practice in with Carmie today and just kind of relax....

It is beautiful out. Happy Memorial Day!

Adjusting

2009-05-22T09:30:00.004-04:00

So, I am adjusting to my new caretaker role. I suck at it though. I find it overwhelming and stressful, in part because my loved one hates being an invalid as well.

However, I am adjusting. THANK GODS my schedule is not so crazy right now. I really do not know what I would do if I was running around, too. there are been a few times when I SERIOUSLY considered having a drink. haven't felt much of that in a while.

Yesterday I took the boys for a meandering afternoon walk. It was hot. Every time we reached a yard that was grassy and shaded, Bug s-l-o-w-e-d down, like he was going to lay down and take a nap! I took them out again around 8pm because reading wasn't happening for me. My brain was a bit in overdrive. That was a more stressful walk as there were loads of people out and the dog on the corner who lives behind an electric fence came CHARGING out of her house and ran the fence line. Nice. Great trigger for my boys. Her owners are ~~asses~~ clueless.

Holiday weekend....what are my plans? Tonight I will bathe the Schnauzers and make a Farfalle with Salmon, Mint, and Peas dish (I hate peas, so this is because I love dh obviously!), tomorrow groom the Schnauzers. Sunday a herding lesson with Bug. At some point this weekend I would like to go through my clothes, towels, etc and see what I can donate and get rid of. Also complete the transfer of summer clothes into the active rotation and move the winter clothes to the attic. Do my laundry and get in some gardening. The perennial flower bed is a wreck, so that should involve some back-busting work. Also play some agility with Carmie and Bug. Hopefully work on Carmie's weaves and try out the K9 Optix sunglasses - see if it helps with the sunny glare.

A full weekend, but most of these things are not absolutes (except for grooming - really want to do that and herding).

Ooops .... depressed

2009-05-20T14:23:00.002-04:00

Monday dh had surgery on his knee. The surgery was MUCH more intensive than we expected (he was told stitching a tear in the meniscus and 4 weeks in a brace versus reality: stitching the tear and microfracture procedure = 12 weeks in a brace, a CPM machine, etc). I ended up having to stay home yesterday because we had an issue with the brace in the a.m. and then the CPM machine (Continuous Passive Motion - dh has to have his leg in this 8 hours/daily for two weeks!) guy was coming

Yesterday evening Ike got sick and had me up at 12:30 a.m. - 1:15 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. - 3:15 a.m. - out walking. Diarrhea with blood. No, not scary at all. How sad is it that this no longer freaks me out? He hasn't had a severe GI upset in quiet some time and he has been fine today. None-the-less...the combo of a sick dog and a broken husband? Depressing. Depressing. Depressing.

I am eagerly awaiting my remedy in the mail. Not that it would do anything about this. This is just crappy luck. This is the second month in a row that has kind of SUCKED.

I am not a good caretaker. I want dh to have a list of what he needs/wants and just tell me all at once instead of piecemeal requests. But he is in pain, depressed, and on vicodin. What do I really expect?

Sorry, just needed to vent.

Time

2009-05-15T10:10:00.002-04:00

Wow, my schedule is much less full and I think I like it. It is causing me WAY less anxiety (of course I did not realize my FULL schedule was causing me anxiety). Yesterday I came home, walked the dogs, cleaned, and did the checkbook. I still had time to do some training, and hang out and read!

I have two weekends in a row "off" and then a trial. Then I do not have another trial until the end of July. Bug has a herding lesson next weekend and I need to groom the Schnauzers, but that is all that is on my plate.

It's weird how crammed my schedule was. I think it was a form of escapism and now that I am more comfortable it's not necessary? I don't know.

There is a class coming up on Thursday nights in June I would like to take, but I am not sure I will. Why? because I like having MORE time in my life to breathe.

Part of my anxiety was caused by being so busy I didn't have time to do mundane tasks. This caused me to put them off, which caused them to become big scary monsters lurking on the outside edges of my brain.

Breathe!!

Feeling Thoughtful

2009-05-13T15:13:00.001-04:00

So, a lot has been going on. Friday I went to the gyn. She told me it was absolutely possible my IUD was affecting my libido, or it might not be. My IUD was due to be removed in 6 months (Mirena IUD is good for 5 years), so I had it removed during the visit. It is the one factor left that I can do something about.

My gyn and a friend recommended tubal litigation since I do not tolerate birth control well and have absolutely no intention of having children. I think this is a great idea, but the thought of surgery and anesthesia PANICS me. I mean, makes me sick to my stomach with nerves. I did not know this about myself.

Monday I had an appointment with L, the woman I will be seeing for EMDR. She suggested, or maybe I suggested, the fear might be related to my father’s surgeries. Or perhaps my nana who didn’t properly come out of anesthesia when she had her hip surgery – it took days and that was when she really went downhill. Granted she was decades older than me. Anyway, it is something to work on.

Yesterday I had an appointment with the psychiatrist/homeopath. He said he will mail me a remedy within a week. I can’t wait.

I am definitely not feeling great. I trialed this past weekend and Friday day/night I was a mess. I think due to having the IUD removed. It did not hurt as much as having it inserted, but it wasn’t comfortable, it did hurt, and it just leaves you feeling a bit violated and emotional.

Ah…on Friday my gyn also found a fibrous growth in my breast. She isn’t worried at all. I told her my grandmother had breast cancer (in her 70’s) and she wasn’t concerned. I was at the tail end of my cycle and apparently that will often make fibrous growths more prominent? I am worried though – although it does seem like it has gotten smaller? If what I am feeling is what she felt. Of course, the three things to avoid are caffeine, alcohol, and chocolate. For the most part I have given up coffee, so my caffeine intake is much lower than it was in the past. Alcohol I no longer drink. But chocolate? DRAT!!

Saturday ended up being a not so good day (Carmie had trouble seeing) trialing.

And then this week …. I find myself not wanting to do much. I am not clear if the desire to do less is depression or coming out of recovery where I filled my time to over-flowing. I think it is healthy to do less. I was pretty much a whirling dervish the past year +. At the same time, I find it troubling that I feel so overwhelmed and don’t really want to do much. I really don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

I guess it doesn’t really matter – I should just try to go with the flow.

Make a Wish

2009-05-07T14:56:00.004-04:00

I have always loved dandelions.

I love their bright yellow color and the ritual of blowing the seeds away and making a wish.

While dandelions are annoying to those in search of a perfect lawn, there is something to be said about the tenacity of this beautiful weed. One of the best things about dandelions is that my guinea pigs can eat the greens; as could I if I so desired. While they are a pest in some people's eyes, they are definitely a useful plant. In addition to eating the greens, one could drink dandelion tea which has many medicinal properties (mostly related to detoxification of the liver, gallbladder, and kidneys).

Yesterday I ended up leaving work early. I was having a really hard time and making myself physically ill. During the afternoon I took the boys for a walk, I read, cleaned, made a bunch of crate mats, and touched base with a couple of concerned friends and family members. Thank you!

When I woke up this morning….I felt better. I don’t know about anyone else, but my depressive moods definitely cycle and usually crest with a bang. Sometimes I don’t feel like I am going to survive the bang. This time I knew I would survive it, I just had no idea when I would feel better and I certainly didn’t expect to feel better today.

I am thankful to feel a bit more normal today.

Back to Green Tea

2009-05-06T09:07:00.003-04:00

The week Nana got sick and died I slid back into coffee drinking. Not nearly as much coffee as I drank in the past, but none-the-less I started drinking it daily again.

Today I made myself green tea once more. In part because I buy the fact that coffee doesn’t give you anything, it just takes. But, mostly because I have my second homeopathy appointment next week and one of the requirements is no coffee. I am pretty certain I wouldn’t be a candidate if I still drank. Interesting, huh? So perhaps all these little pieces are leading somewhere. I am pleased that even though I feel like crap (emotionally) I am willing to give up something that gives me instant gratification for the long term good.

I am still not doing great. This morning I had the piece of lead in my chest feeling that, with me, is typically associated with depression. Most of what has been going on lately is anxiety and frantic-ness – not depression. Having the feeling of lead in my chest? Well, that is absolutely a hallmark of me being depressed.

I think though that I know what triggered my depression this morning. It was raining and Ike wouldn’t go for a walk. It throws a wrench into my plans and makes me have to re-evaluate and change my plans. As we all know, I suck at that. I am currently so emotionally exhausted that Ike not wanting to go for his a.m. walk in the rain triggered my depression.

I am hoping I can pull out of it. DH suggested I might want to take a mental health day. He said his job would give him a minimum of three days for the loss of my nana. All I took was Friday to go to the funeral. I did take a couple of half-days right when it happened.

I am at work. Bug is with me. Ike is at the in-laws. We’ll see how the day goes. So far this week has been pretty brutal. Here’s hoping it gets better.

Wrecked - no not drunk

2009-05-05T09:41:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had a complete melt-down. I don’t think we are done with it, by a long run. When I woke up this morning my eyelids were swollen from crying yesterday. I have already been crying this morning.

I do believe part of the problem is my Nana’s funeral. I trudged through last week. I made it to the ritual and then the ritual undid me. I have been depressed, weepy, and my anxiety has been magnified since.

My friend is going away for two weeks and I was supposed to teach classes for her. I typically have a lot of anxiety about teaching anyway. As I have discovered I guess I don’t really like teaching that much; and/or I have been counter-conditioned due to some events with the other assistant trainer (that I have blogged about) to have anxiety and negative feelings about it. Not sure which. I think it is more I personally do not enjoy it that much and the conditioning just escalated that realization for me.

Yesterday I had a massive panic attack about it - freaking out, crying, couldn’t breathe, and wanting to hurl. When I got to my therapy appointment I walked in, barely said hello and started flat-out bawling. My eyes are filling up right now as I type.

This is where I am at the moment, unable to get a handle on my emotions, and totally out of control. My therapist M said people have anxiety attacks when they feel stuck. The important thing to realize is you aren’t stuck – you can make a change you just might not like the change or you might not be comfortable with it. How many times have I said that very same thing? It is so easy to say and so hard to do sometimes. She recommended counting something physical and immediate (like tiles) to ground yourself and get present; to stop your brain from whirly-gigging.

I really do have a problem saying no. I hate this about myself. I didn’t even know it was a problem and now it is so frigging obvious I can’t believe I never saw it. And in hindsight, so many of my problems and sticky situations arose from an inability to say no.

I am so mad at myself. When the teaching originally came up I should have said no. Granted, if these other life events not happening right now I think I would be able to swing it. I definitely would not enjoy it. I would definitely have anxiety about it, but I would be able to get it done. In hindsight, I still should have said no.

I am so angry at myself. My therapist asked how long I planned on beating myself up. My husband said it was a positive that I see the problem now. Hah.

In my current state of mind I would be in a sustained paralyzed state of panic until she came back.

The absolute shitty thing is I had to back out – I am not stable at the moment. I really cannot swing it. I had to leave her in the lurch and totally screw up her plans and I HATE THAT. I hate myself for being so weak and disappointing her. What are my fears about saying no? There are too many to count. I know these things do happen. I just hate being the cause. See I am crying again.

ugh

2009-05-04T15:12:00.003-04:00

DEPRESSED....

Not holding it together well. Weepy. That's where I am. Work is slow. Job not 100% secure. Part-time definitely a strong possibility. Job search or no job search? ARGH.

LONELY.

A busy few weeks coming up. Really, really not sure I can swing it. SUCKS.

Someone just rip my heart out now. That is completely and totally how I feel.

NOT WELL.

Saturday was awful. I was a complete mess. DH wanted to watch the Celtics and this created a monumental, impossible to navigate issue for me. I wanted to spend time with him, but did not want to watch the Celtics. My think-around of this problem? If I were drinking I would watch and not have any issue. Ugh. I haven't thought something so stupid in a long time. But it is how I felt. I didn't, but it wasn't a good day.

I am really, really, really not doing well. I need space to recover and I don't have any. Space away from everyone including myself.

Friday was the funeral. It sucked. The minister did this whole ridiculous god-speak thing that had nothing to do with my Nana. It made me want to throw up in my mouth during the service.

Then a second cousin was pressuring dh about children. I think from now on I am going to say, "How do you know we don't want to have children and can't? How do you know we haven't been trying for the past 7 years?" Try to make them as uncomfortable as they make me with the insistent pestering. Not everyone wants kids and just because you might regret not having them during your fertile years - don't you dare put that on me.

Argh. Everything sucks at the moment.

Psych-Homeopath

2009-04-30T19:27:00.002-04:00

Saw the Psychiatrist/Homeopath today. He said my history with anti-depressants shows that I am not a patient who falls into their typical "boxes" (in terms of effectiveness, ect.). After some discussion he said he does think I am a candidate for a homeopathic remedy. I am so relieved!!

I went in with the knowledge that he might suggest conventional anti-depressant, but oh am I resistant to them at this point. Instead he said the opposite! Hooray!!!!

I have a second appointment scheduled for the 12th. In the meantime....

I realized today (as I continue to have ZERO libido and am off the Cymbalta for more than 8 weeks) the only other factor in my lack of libido is possibly my IUD. Hmmmm....I need to schedule an annual and am going to see if there is any history of complaints about loss of sexual function related to the IUD. If there is, I am having it removed. What's the alternative then? Tubal litigation? I don't tolerate birth control well and I am not mentally able to deal with the pull-out method at the moment. I will have to ask my GYN. Dr. W said he would ask a colleague of his who is a gyn and more holistic minded if she has heard of any sexual side effects with Mirena. When I googled it online the # 1 complaint was that it caused sexual dysfunction! Of course the paper I found on U.S. National Library of Medicine says the opposite - there is no proof of it causing sexual dysfunction.

Weird. If it is the case I am sure the reason I never noticed is because of the anti-depressants I was on.

Also funny, my sexual dysfunction INCREASED on the Cymbalta - although it existed on the Effexor too. Apparently it is usually the opposite. Years ago I had a terrible loss of sexual function on Wellbutrin - supposedly it known as being one with the most minimal (i.e. non-existant) sexual side effects!

Kind of Funny

2009-04-27T08:31:00.004-04:00

In responding to an e-mail from Bug's breeder who inquired as to how I was with the loss of Nana, I wrote:

Thanks, H. I am hanging in there. A bit sad between everything going on (loss of Nana, anniversary of bro's suicide, slow work, Carmie's eyes, and Bug being broken), but that is to be expected. If I weren't sad I would be on drugs!

It struck me funny after I wrote it!

On an up note, Carmie finished two titles this weekend Her Outstanding Novice Tunnelers Title and her Novice Touch n Go Title. I am particularly proud of the TnG title. Our Q rate isn't particularly high in that class - we have a tough time with the discriminations (between tunnels and contact obstacles). 85% of the time it is my fault, but sometimes I do everything "right" and Carmie just makes a decision based on her preference.

Also, Bug has permission to do a run in agility class tomorrow. Cross your paws for us. This will be the test as to whether or not he needs to start PT. If he isn't overly sore and doesn't lose his pelvis we will continue with massage, stretching, and chiro at home. If not, well...$$$$

The sad part of the weekend is that Carmie is having a lot of difficulty with the sun. It just breaks my heart. It isn't the Q ribbons because we can have awesome runs without qualifying. What makes me sad is she is such a superb worker and there is nothing to be done. Ugh. I need to ACCEPT the fact that she is losing her sight.

I am going to enjoy every moment I have left to play with her and try not to be too sad. Sunday when she became disoriented in the sun I scooped her up so as to not prolong the stress. Later, the second time she had difficulty, she missed her weave entry and I didn't correct her - I didn't feel that would be productive given it was a combination of a late cue and BRIGHT sun.

Saturday morning I met my mum at the funeral home to confirm the arrangements for Nana. That was sad. Playing agility in the afternoon was helpful and my mum came down with her dog on Sunday to watch. She has never done that before, so that was nice.

Today I am a bit glum, but I am trying not to let me head get away from me. No ruminating!